empathy | marketingforhippies.com

marketing from the heart manifesto

By: Tad | Published: November 28, 2012 · Leave a Comment

One of my clients, wrote me a beautiful email recently with her ‘manifesto’ about marketing. I was so inspired by it that I had to share it. It’s a beautiful example of starting with the ‘why’ and of a clear and compelling point of view.

Marketing From The Heart?

by Mary Pellicer, MD?

My vision of what MARKETING can be if it comes from the HEART:

An INVITATION to people to live RICHER, FULLER and more MEANINGFUL LIVES, to live lives in ALIGNMENT with their own INTEGRITY.

Communication to INSPIRE from a place of GENEROSITY (vs. pushing and pressuring from a place of greed)

CONNECTION to inspire people out of LOVE and CARE (vs. motivating them from fear)

EMPATHIZING with people (vs. exploiting their insecurities)

Being COMMITTED to SERVING people (vs. selling to them)

Making sure it’s a PERFECT FIT (or NO DEAL)-Going for the WIN-WIN ?(vs. making the sale)

CONTACT to LEAD & INFLUENCE (vs. seeking fame)

Opening CONVERSATIONS about POSSIBILITIES (vs. closing deals)

Market from the Heart and invest in making the world an amazing place to live, work and grow.

(With much gratitude to Tad Hargrave who’s blog post Death and Marketing inspired this.)

obama’s ad makes his case

By: Tad | Published: September 27, 2012 · 2 Comments

President Obama recently released an ad (you can watch it at the bottom) I thought was worth commenting on – all politics aside. First of all, it reminds me how far the world has come that now video marketing and social media has become so ubiquitous in both politics and business.

Here’s where I think it’s strong.

During the last weeks of this campaign there will be debates, speeches and more ads. But if I could sit down with you in your living room or around the kitchen table here’s what I’d say:

First off he acknowledges the oncoming onslaught of debates, speeches and ‘more ads’. He let’s you know, without collapsing, ‘I get it. It’s ridiculous. I’m with you, I don’t want these either.‘ He’s positioning himself, subtly, as being on ‘our side.’

Then he expresses the desire to connect more personally with people. Where President Obama excels (and Romney struggles) is connecting with people. When Obama says, ‘but if I could sit down with you in your living room or around your kitchen table – here’s what I’d say.’ it immediately evokes warm feelings.

Clearly, sitting down with every American isn’t something he can do, but sometimes just expressing our desire can build a connection itself because it tells the other, ‘I value you.’ You don’t have to be perfect to be in business.

Seventh Generation (the eco cleaning company) has won a lot of credibility points over the years by not pretending to be 100% sustainable. And they’re honest about that. But they let you know they’re still trying.

If you were at a seminar and they said, ‘We would honestly love to give this away for free but we have so many staff with families to support and we charge this much because we need to. If we charge less it’s not sustainable for us’ it can still feel good to have them acknowledge the desire to do more rather than to hear them brag about how much money they’re making on you.

Romney has struggled, especially early in his campaign, to not come across as wooden and stuff. It’s the same challenge that Al Gore had in the 2004 elections. We want to feel some warmth and connection with our politicians, to believe they care. This is where President Clinton excelled. He demonstrated a profound amount of presence and empathy that was palpable.

And specifically, sharing the desire to connect in their home evokes very warm feelings. It conjures up images that are comforting.

When I took office we were losing nearly 800,000 jobs a month and were mired in Iraq. Today I believe that as a nation we are moving forward again. But we have much more to do to get folks back to work and make the middle class secure again.

He then acknowledges the struggles the country was in and that there’s more hard work to do. Where politicians can lose all credibility is when people get that they have no firm grasp on the reality of the situation. If President Obama were to say, ‘Hey, when I got in office things were hard but thanks to me we’re 100% back on track.’ and then didn’t acknowledge that there was more to do – he would lose all credibility.

Billy Blanks of Tae Bo fame gained so much credibility in his infomercials for leveling with people, ‘it’s going to be hard. it’s going to take a lot of work. this won’t be easy.’

The famous Shackleton voyage posted an ad (read it to the right) which said a similar thing. It’s okay to admit it’s going to be hard as long as you make sure they understand it’s doable and that there’s a plan. Which President Obama now begins to do . . .

Now, Governor Romney believes that with that even bigger tax cuts for the wealthy and fewer regulations on Wall Street all of us will prosper. In other words he’d double down on the same trickle down policies that led to the crisis in the first place. So what’s my plan?

Then contrasts his point of view with Governor Romney’s. Remember people vote for you (with votes or with dollars) because of your point of view. What does any American want from any President? Largely the same things – security, health & prosperity. So, if both candidates are promising the same result, how do you choose? What if you have 100 people in your city saying they can help you get rid of your migraines? Who do you choose? And how?

We choose – in large part – based on whose point of view we resonate with most and trust the most to get us where we want to go. But for most businesses their point of view is unclear. More to the point, it’s unclear how it’s different from their competitors. And since your point of view is so central to your platform (which is ‘what you’re known for’) it leaves people confused – and a confused mind says ‘no’.

First, we create a million new manufacturing jobs and help businesses double their exports. Give tax breaks to companies that invest in America, not that ship jobs overseas.

Second, we cut our oil imports in half and produce more American-made energy, oil, clean-coal, natural gas, and new resources like wind, solar and bio-fuels—all while doubling the fuel efficiencies of cars and trucks.

Third, we insure that we maintain the best workforce in the world by preparing 100,000 additional math and science teachers. Training 2 million Americans with the job skills they need at our community colleges. Cutting the growth of tuition in half and expanding student aid so more Americans can afford it.

Fourth, a balanced plan to reduce our deficit by four trillion dollars over the next decade on top of the trillion in spending we’ve already cut, I’d ask the wealthy to pay a little more. And as we end the war in Afghanistan let’s apply half the savings to pay down our debt and use the rest for some nation building right here at home.

I think his ‘four point plan’ bit is brilliant.

He’s drawing his map for people.

He’s saying, ‘look. here’s how we’re going to get from Island A to Island B‘. Your customers want this too. They’re desperate for it. They’re tired of people claiming they can get them the result and not backing that up with a plan that makes sense.

And most people like numbered lists: four point plans, the seven habits of highly effective people, the five stages of grieving, the three stages of the heroes journey. It helps give people context for where they are in their journey. It gives a reality check and hope that the journey is possible. And a goal with a plan to back it up is so much more believable than one without it – this is true if you’re trying to win votes, customers, volunteers, donors, financing etc.

In my mind, this is where Romney is failing. He’s saying, ‘which tax loopholes will I close down? See me after the election.’ But the whole, ‘trust me’ argument is what people hate about politicians. We don’t want to just trust an offer we want to see the plan that backs it up.

It’s time for a new economic patriotism. Rooted in the belief that growing our economy begins with a strong, thriving middle class. Read my plan. Compare it to Governor Romney’s and decide for yourself. Thanks for listening. Read the President’s plan: http://OFA.BO/SAzDgd

And lastly, he makes a call for action. He invites you to do something. Most ads don’t do this! Most ads might feel good but then there’s nothing for you to do. If you have a welcome video on your homepage I think it should invite visitors to do something (e.g. sign up for my email list). If you send an email out about a workshop, it’s ‘click on this link to read more’. That seems so basic but I can’t tell you how many ads I see that have no call to action. Or have too big a call to action – they ask for too much.

Like, if you saw a poster for a meditation workshop at the organic grocery store and it was a $5000 retreat and the poster was asking you to sign up. No way that will ever work. But, if it offered something ‘free’ you could check out – some kind of ‘pink spoon‘ sample of the ice cream they’re selling, you might just try. No yoga studio will ever sell you on signing up for their teacher training without you first coming to the studio first – so offering free passes is smart marketing. It’s helps people to feel safe in trying you out.

President Obama isn’t asking for you to vote for him – he’s asking for you to just click on the link to read his plan. Smart.

let your clients feel like victims

By: Tad | Published: August 12, 2012 · 17 Comments

Let your clients feel like victims.

It will take your further.

Here’s what I mean . . .

You probably think that it’s better to take responsibility for your life and not be a victim.

You might even secretly feel disgusted by people who ‘play the victim card’ all the time. You might have it in your mind that people who play victim to the world are weak, annoying and huge energy drains. You might be sick of listening to them whine all the time. You might wish your clients would finally just be ready to take responsibility for their lives. Good god.

And I want to suggest that your judgments of them might actually be what’s killing your marketing.

Let’s ignore, for a moment, the irony of feeling like you’re a victim of the constant whining of these other people who play victim. Let’s put aside the doublestandard of saying, ‘my clients victim story is totally getting in the way of my healing them with my awesome healing powers (or insert whatever it is you do that you think their victimhood stops you from doing)!’ It’s amazing how easy it can be to feel like a victim of other people’s victimhood.

When you come from a place of judging their victimhood then you’re going to shame them and make them wrong. And that feels awful to receive.

What if instead of judging the places they feel like a victim you honoured it? What if you could just honour that it is the truth of how they feel.

What if honouring where they are was different from agreeing with them or enabling them? What if, instead of saying, ‘you shouldn’t feel like a victim’ you said, ‘I get it. It can be so hard sometimes. That must feel frustrating. How is it for you?’

I’d even go a step further: don’t wait for them to whine – search for it in advance. Ask yourself, ‘What do my clients feel like they’re a victim of in their life?’ And then, instead of rolling your eyes, could you actually offer them help there – right at that sore and scary place in their life where they feel out of control.

What if their victimhood racket wasn’t in the way of you helping them, what if it was the way?

What if their victimhood wasn’t a wall, but the doorway in?

Imagine someone doing renovations on their home and feeling so overwhelmed and daunted thinking, ‘this isn’t fair! It’s so expensive! I don’t even know where to start!’ and just collapsing emotionally but then they walk into a Home Depot and they see a sign for a class saying, ‘How to Do Your First Home Renovation Under Budget and in Half the Time Your Thought (Even if You Don’t Know Where To Start).’ Can you imagine the relief? Can you imagine how awful it would feel to show your plans to an employee and have them laugh at you and roll their eyes as they mutter, ‘what were you thinking?’

Where do your clients feel like a victim?

Where do they feel like the results they crave are beyond their control?

Maybe they’re a man who’s had no luck with dating and feels like the god’s of love conspire against him and they feel like a victim of their fear which keeps them from approaching women in the first place. Now, you might think, ‘what they really need is to become a stronger man, be more present and more open to life.’ But that’s what YOU think they need. Be kind to them. Help them with the one piece they know they’re struggling with, ‘how to approach a woman’. Sure, there’s more beyond that. But instead of saying, ‘Don’t be shy. God. Grab your balls. What’s wrong with you? Are you a man or a mouse?’

Don’t assume that what’s easy for you is (or should be) easy for others.

Where do your clients feel like a victim?

I think victimhood is our breaking point. It’s where things have officially become too much. It’s beyond our capacity to deal with or make sense of. And telling people that they should be able to deal with it or that ‘everything is perfect’ doesn’t help much. When people feel like victims they’re desperate for help – the last thing they need is someone telling them they should’ve been stronger or more spiritual.

When we feel like a victim we get scared and we begin to image the worst case scenarios (that we might never ever speak to anyone else about).

When we hit this kind of overwhelm there are four things we most need. And judgment and condescension aren’t on the list.

Callan Rush teaches people how to fill their workshops. She knows there are three parts to succeeding as a workshop leader. First, you have to fill your workshops. Second, you’ve got to give a great workshop. And then third, you’ve got to be really good at enrolling people into the next step programs beyond the workshop they’re in. But, instead of trying to convince people of those second two pieces (i.e. the quality of the workshop and effectiveness of the next level offer) her intro workshop focuses squarely on the first piece – the one that they’re thinking about the most – how to get people there. And then, when they’re at the workshop – she also educates them a little bit about the other two pieces. But she focuses on the piece where they feel like a victim first – ‘why doesn’t anyone come to my workshops?!’

Victimhood is a feeling of self pity and ‘poor me’. That can be a turn off. But instead of getting ‘turned off’ . . . sit with it. Really put yourself in their shoes. See if you can feel what it would be like to hit the end of all your rope. And then offer them some help where it hurts most. You’ll connect better, you’ll have a chance to build credibility and you might be shocked how much business it gets you.

And here’s a powerful thing you can affirm that will have people love you: it’s not your fault.

I think everyone is doing the best we can with what we have. And sometimes we lack the skills, perspective, the support etc. to get the things we want. We do our best but we all have our breaking points. And if you can affirm that, ‘yes, you’re responsible for getting what you want but . . . it’s not your fault that you don’t know how or got miseducated’ it feels really wonderful.

Can you imagine what an unmitigated douchebag I would be if I went around to everyone and looked at their marketing and pointed out every place it was contrived, pushy or manipulative? Do you get how arrogant it would be for me to stand up on high and imagine myself to be looking down on everyone who’s not as authentic as me and condescend to them with words like, ‘How can you not get this? What’s wrong with you? Why would you ever think about marketing to anyone like that? Gross.’

There’s a notion called ‘pulling rank’ and it happens all over the place. Have you ever left a conversation feeling ‘smaller’ somehow? Diminished? If you have there’s a good chance that the other person was pulling rank on you. They were subtly condescending to you. They were imagining themselves to be wiser and better than you. Hipsters do it (e.g. ‘Oh you’ve not heard of that band?’) and new age people sure do it, (e.g. asking you ‘What are you learning from this?’ when you’ve not even asked for any coaching). It happens all over the place.

Pulling rank is a lot of things but there’s one thing it’s not: empathic.

If you judge where your clients are at you begin to develop the four most unattractive and client repelling traits. You begin to be a practitioner of ‘shame on you’ marketing.

Contrast that vibe with this approach: ‘I get it. Marketing can be hard. No one taught us how to do this and most of what we’ve learned is manipulative in some way. And so here you are this good hearted person wanting to engage in right livelihood but feeling scared to even do any marketing in case it comes across as manipulative but . . . you still need to eat! You need to pay the rent. So you have to sell. And you don’t always feel good about how you do it. I get it! That is hard.’

Consider which person you’d be more open to.

Life can be hard sometimes. Consider the lyrics of the song, ‘Lean on Me’. It’s okay to be someone that folks can lean on sometimes while we help them stand up on their own.

Empathy before education.

Where do your clients feel like a victim?

It might just be the doorway in.

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Want Help? If you’d like some more direct guidance and hand holding on figuring out your niche then go and check out my Niching for Hippies coaching program http://marketingforhippies.com/niching-for-hippies/

muslim school marketing lesson

By: Tad | Published: August 12, 2012 · 7 Comments

I just lunch with my friend Govert van Ginkel. I hadn’t seen him in a couple of years but we both share a passion for Non Violent Communication and how we can engage in healing and supporting others best. He and his partner TR we in town and we went for lunch at one of my favourite cafe’s in town, Noorish.

Govert was updating me on the past two years and the kind of work he’s been doing and the difficulty of pitching ‘Non Violent Communication’ type workshops to various groups.

“I was brought in by a Muslim school a while ago and they wanted me to do some team building amongst the staff to deal with some of the ways they related to each other. The challenge is that the staff all thought they communicated really well with each other. So I knew they wouldn’t really be open to that. So, we came up with a different topic!”

“What was that?”

“How to deal with difficult parents!”

“That’s amazing. From a marketing angle that’s so amazing. What happened?”

“Well, we played a bunch of games with them and through those games that were about how to deal with difficult parents they actually began to realize the ways they communicated with each other that weren’t so great. They began to see the ways they weren’t such a great team that no one was talking about.”

It reminded me of my conversation with Sexologist Jessica O’Reilly about how she would lead workshops called ‘How to Blow His/Her Mind’ that would sell out vs. tantra workshops that would try to market directly to the deeper need.

It’s really hard to sell things to people that they don’t want – even when you think they ‘need’ it.

It’s hard to give people advice that they’re not wanting.

You might see their limiting patterns, dysfunction and what they need so incredibly clearly . . . but if they don’t agree with your diagnosis and assessment they’re unlikely to take your advice or follow your guidance.

So much of helping people is about find the right way in – the doorway. It’s about figuring out how to reach people without pushing them. How to honour people and invite them to consider more.

And, in my experience, the best way to do this is to meet them where they’re at. The best way to reach people is with empathy for what they’re actually struggling with vs. frustration and impatience that they’re not ready to ‘get down to the real work’ (as you see it).

Govert could have tried to lecture the staff about their resistance to this important work he was offering and rolled his eyes at them thinking, ‘how can not see how incredibly dysfunctional they are!’ But how far do you suspect that would have gotten him.

Often our thoughts that our clients should be any different that they are is exactly what kills our marketing. Because then our marketing takes on the tone of shaming. Of making them ‘wrong’ for being who they are.

But Govert looked carefully at the situation and asked himself, ‘is there anywhere that these people are struggling (and know that they’re struggling) that I could offer help? Is there any pain they’re experiencing that I could help relieve that might open the door to deeper work if it goes well?’

And he found it: these poor bedraggled teachers are criticized constantly by parents. And he empathized with that. Imagine, you do your best all day only to be yelled at by a parent for not doing it perfectly enough? Ouch.

And so of course they were open to help with that. And once they’d met Govert and he helped them see other areas they were struggling they were open then to more guidance. They were humbled with what they saw about themselves. But they weren’t shamed. People are open to feeling humbled, but no one wants to feel humiliated. People want to do better, they don’t want to feel like they’re not doing enough.

Empathize. Meet them with kindness where they are. You might be surprised where it will take you and where they might ask you to go with them.

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why your point of view matters

By: Tad | Published: June 3, 2012 · 1 Comment

Some wise words from my dear friend Alex Baisley (pictured here) about how sometimes our deepest wounds can be our truest niche and how important and overlooked our point of view is for our businesses. He’s leading 16 entrepreneurs through his Doin’ Your Own Thing Income Figure Outer program coming up soon. Alex is one of the most brilliant people I know in helping people figure out how to make money doing something authentic that feels really wonderful.

I was just at a retreat based on The Work of Byron Katie hosted by Alberta’s own KindMind.ca and I was struck by one particular phrase: ‘There’s nothing to do. There’s just something to see.’

And this feels very true for most of us when we feel stuck. More effort isn’t the answer. More exertion doesn’t always help us do anything except get to where we were going faster. Or jams the gears. Often times, we need a new way of seeing the situation we’re in.

We need a map that makes sense. And we need someone who’s traveled that terrain before us who can share their honest experiences with us. They don’t need you to be perfect. They don’t believe you are when you say you are. They’re refreshed to hear that you’re totally useless at things.

I am relatively useless at the administrative side of my business. It’s kind of appalling. It takes me weeks to get back to my existing clients. Sometimes months. And yet, somehow I make money doing this. In spite of myself I do okay.

When I lead my workshops, I’m aware that what people seem to value most isn’t the nuts and bolts of the content alone – it’s also my perspective. And you have gone through a terrain. You have a perspective that could help so many people.

I commend Alex’s work to you most highly. Read below about his journey and his point of view – I think you might find it refreshing and helpful.

Hi there,

I’m going to jump right into it here. Sometimes life can feel like shit. Like everything we are working so hard to achieve, everything we most want to experience… is a million. miles. away.

sometimes we feel close, like we might be changing, and the next week feels further away than ever.

we know, deep down, that if *something* were to happen, we would find that we have so much capability. So much to share in our lives. And we also sense, deep down, that we are meant to do something in this world.

or we hope so. is it a ruse? is it too late for me?

The deepest craving I had, for a long, long time, was to be able to create a scenario for myself where I could work for myself. Where I could somehow corral my crazy mind, my gypsy spirit, my million ideas… and do something with them.

I craved, deeply, that my life mattered. To friends and family, it did, obviously, but I mean moreso… like I could make a difference. You know what I’m talking about. You might feel it now in your stomach.

10 years I spent underwater as a commercial diver. And that topic is what I was thinking, hoping, and feeling lost about… and days turned into months into years.

I kept waiting for the *big idea*. It never came. The Big Dream Program you might see before you, my own beautiful business, was not a blinding idea. not an epiphany. But it was a sudden realization that if I wanted to have this scenario, I had the free will to create it or not. It was my choice.

I did not do it well, I still don’t. I’m not a business guru, I’m a business limper… in many ways. And yet…

I did it. Turns out, remarkably, that people quite rightly want to connect with people who are as real as they can be. People who are willing to say I’m shit at ‘this’ and ‘this’, and I have maybe some things to share on ‘that’. And ‘what do you think?’

I spent countless hours many, many years ago… on the bow of fishing boats, in the lunchroom, over the diving intercom while I welded something on a pier… asking my friends about their experience of life, listening to their stories, finding that whatever it was about my energy, it seemed they liked to talk about this stuff with me. And me too.

Strong opinion alert: People, from the outside, often think of entrepreneurship (doin your own thing) as being about outright confidence. It is not. At least sustainably, it’s not.

It is about the willingness to be more vulnerable than others. It is not about having all the answers. It is about being willing to share the stuff that tripped you up. It is about being willing to look at the human experience. It is about noticing that there are no experts in the broad sense.

It IS about that you have interests and you would love to give people an experience in those interests. It IS about you being normal, like the rest of us, and parts of your life are awesome, and parts are so, so vulnerable. You feel like a hero sometimes, and you feel like a fuck up other times.

Doing Your Own Thing for your income is not so much about expertise, it is about something much different…

it is about… would you like to highlite pieces of the human experience. Open up conversations or experiences. With humility, and understanding, and being willing to believe that what you’ve learned, or are willing to do, might, just might, change someone’s day.

Example:

consider the man who could Not. Get. Math. He failed math over, and over. He felt stupid about it, even though he was good at other things. Teachers sat him down and tried to help him. Parents helped him.

He felt like there was something wrong with him, he felt like everyone could get this except him.

And then, one day, years into it, despite everyone, he got a glimpse of a new way of seeing it. oh my. he looked at the numbers and they formed something visual for him. his brain opened up. something clicked.

numbers stepped up onto the seashore of his mind. They said hi. They were friendly. They showed him a bit of their inner nature, something that the most esteemed logical statitician might never see. A glimpse.

Math became not outright easy all of a sudden, but interesting. Not as scary. An adventure… intriguing. He became able to figure out things in ways that baffled his teachers. His marks improved.

There are two important ingredients here:

He was an expert in having difficulty with something. like all of us.

His experience brought him a new way of ‘looking’ at something. like all of us.

Would you like to see this man helping your kids with their math if they’re having difficulty? Would it be ok if they don’t make immediate marks, but have the experience of just spending time with the guy who struggled as much as they?

What would it feel like to see them smile and nod as he explains his own struggles? What if he said, hey. it might not be quick, but you can get there. If I can, you certainly can. Imagine how that would feel inside your child.

You:

There is a value, far more profound than expertise, skills or business acumen that’s at play here…

what you’ve lived through. How you see different things. What interests you have and why. And what you’d be willing to do for others who are laying in wait for someone to create something that doesn’t yet exist… for them…

The Doin Your Own Thing Income Figure-Outer is about you. It’s about the world. It’s about bringing your experience of math, yoga, divorce, life, business, laughter, parenting, and playing the violin in a new way…

to others. People don’t need expertise nearly so much as they need new ways of seeing. For themselves. And they need to spend a little time with someone who understands their struggle. That’s it. They will get this after they hear your story. They will get this after answering questions you feel could help. They will get this after doing something new with their bodies, after playing their violin thinking what you’ve suggested to think…

This, is where meaning is. And if you’re looking for income with meaning… bam.

I remember teaching piano lessons years ago. Yes, me. My young student played her exam piece over and over. It was mechanical. While I listened, I stared out the window at the Atlantic waves rolling onto the coast of Ireland.

As her final exercise, I said… ‘you’re playing so well. Now, when you play this the next 5 times, watch those long, rolling waves. See your music floating out from the piano, across the grass. see it hopping onto the beach, meeting the shore.. feeling scared, hesitant, then jumping into the waves. This ocean will not beat you! See your music as you play be carried on the waves… becoming master of the ocean itself. And then see it turn and float, staring up at the seagulls and sky.

You should have heard her play the next time.

This, also is you. What you see, how you see, is valuable to where other people most want to get to.

The Doin Your Own Thing Income Figure-Outer is about moving towards that. I am working with 16 folks who would like to begin figuring out the million things they could share, with others, to make a difference, and to make their income…

and figuring out the first project. and with what ingredients to generate projects for the rest of their lives. The same ingredients always go into it. 7.5 ingredients I feel.

I care about you so much, and I care about the people you can help. If I can bridge this gap, I would be a very satisfied man.

On Saturday June 23rd, I am spending the day with 16 people, who want to take this journey… to find out how they can help, what they can share, and frankly, an astonishingly new way of understanding your income and security.

Read about it and register, here: http://doinyourownthing.eventbrite.ca/

big love,

Alex

guest post: ‘just listening’ by howie jacobson

By: Tad | Published: January 10, 2012 · 2 Comments

by Howie Jacobson

In my last article, I talked about projection: what it is, why it keeps us from seeing the world as it really is, and how marketing offers us an opportunity to recognize and free ourselves from the grip of projection.

Now I want to talk about why it’s so important to liberate ourselves from projection. Not from a spiritual perspective, but from a marketing perspective.

The Ultimate Marketing Superpower: Empathy

Can we agree that empathy is one of the key skills necessary for successful marketing? If you can really understand what another person is thinking and feeling, then you can craft products and services and offers that appeal to that person’s sensibilities. And you can talk about those products and services in a relevant, respectful and attractive way.

Think of Nick Marshall, Mel Gibson’s character in the movie What Women Want. When his accidental electrocution gives him the gift to hear women’s thoughts, he immediately becomes the star advertising executive at his agency, celebrated for his ability to market effectively to women.

If you were suddenly given that ability, to hear the innermost thoughts of your prospects – their selfish desires, their secret fears, their poignant stories – can you see how that knowledge would instantly solve 99% of your marketing problems?

Getting the Data is Easy

On the web, all the data we require is at our fingertips. We can reverse engineer Google’s organic listings to find out what the world’s smartest computer thinks people want.

We can eavesdrop on forums, on Facebook, on amazon reviews, on blog comments, and dozens of other places to hear the uncensored, passionate voices of our prospects. We can conduct inexpensive yet highly valuable surveys of our own to discover the deepest desires and hesitations of those who might buy from us.

So what’s the problem? I’m telling you to read the mind of your market, and I’m telling you exactly where to go to get the information. Why isn’t that the end of the story?

The Filter that Keeps Us Clueless

Have you ever listened to a radio or watched a television that got lousy reception? Lots of noise, static, snow, wavy lines, and fuzziness. Do you think the program sounded or looked that way coming out of the studio?

Of course not. The program signal was not the problem. The problem was the poor quality of the device; its inability to translate the incoming signal into clear and meaningful output.

Each of us operates from a filter that keeps us from true empathy. It’s called projection, and here’s how it works:

When I hear you talk about something, I search for meaning in my own past experience. If you say “toothache,” for example, I go back into the file called “Howie’s toothaches” to try to understand what you’re talking about.

When you say the assistant manager at the store was rude, I likewise superimpose my own vision of “rude” on your story. Until you elaborate, I might picture a young guy with dreadlocks and tattoos and piercings giving you the finger. Or I might imagine a snooty middle aged woman raising her eyebrows in disapproval of your request for a refund.

The word “rude” has meaning only in terms of my experience, either direct or second-hand (movies, books, friends’ stories, etc.).

Until I listen to you tell the straight-up facts of what happened from your perspective, I fill in the blanks based on my preconceptions. That’s projection.

Projection occurs much more subtly and pervasively. If I think you’re angry, or sad, or frustrated – chances are I’m interpreting a set of signals through my own distorting filter. “If I were acting that way, it would be because I was irritated,” I reason. So in my mind, you’re irritated. And with that interpretation now projected onto you, I look for confirmation and ignore all contradictory signals.

Projection vs. Empathy

As long as my mind engages in projection (which is only about 100% of the time), I can’t be truly empathetic to you. I can only be empathetic to me. So to the same extent that you and I are having different experiences or different interpretations of those experiences, I’m missing what’s meaningful for you.

In other words, while I think I’m looking at you, I’m actually just seeing myself in a mirror projected on your face.

The Sioux medicine man Fool’s Crow believed that he could be a conduit for healing only when he made himself into a “hollow bone,” a vessel for divine spirit that didn’t superimpose its own particular stories and struggles onto the person seeking healing.
When I read Tarot for clients or engage in Shamanic healing, I have to be exquisitely sensitive to the presence of my own stuff, so that I don’t end up giving someone else the medicine meant for me. When I throw the 4 of wands, for example, do I tell them to chuck the corporate gig for a walk on the wild side because that’s what the card means in this particular reading, or because my own life story concatenates with that interpretation?

Am I Marketing to Me?

If I don’t get familiar with my projections, my marketing turns into a narcissistic festival of self-love and self-loathing. The self-love part is easy to see: I think about what I would want someone to say to me, and then I say it to myself and pretend I’m saying it to you.

But self-loathing? Absolutely!

You know all those “marketing tricks” that seem to work but you really have no stomach for? Like false urgency and false scarcity? “Tomorrow only.” “19 17 12 6 spots left!”

Or manipulative pseudo-reciprocity? “Here’s a free gift. Isn’t it great. Now you owe me.”

Or appeals to the lowest self? “If you buy this your neighbors will bang their heads against the wall in jealousy. Beautiful women will leave their husbands for you. All those jerks in high school will be sorry they didn’t give you more respect.”

We fall back on these and dozens of other gambits because part of us has no respect for our own integrity. We despise and are deeply ashamed of that part, but when we project it outward, it feels better. “What a bunch of sheep they are! What a bunch of insecure losers!”

So we end up attracting the customers and clients who share our most awful traits, and then wonder why we complain about them.

And those judgments diminish our prospects in our eyes. To the extent that we cannot love them. And if you cannot love the people whose lives you are supposedly improving with your products and services, why on earth would they choose you? Because you need the money?

Getting Past Projection

If you’re a lot more spiritually advanced than me, you might have figured out a way to stop projecting. I haven’t. I project like an IMAX theater; consistently, relentlessly, and with alarming realism.

What I am getting better at is recognizing my own projections. The ones that come up every time. The ones that I now recognize as my own face, rather than the face of my prospect, my beloved.

I find that getting quiet on a regular basis helps tremendously. The art of empathy is essentially the art of listening with the head and the heart. When I sit quietly and stop trying to impose my interpretation on reality, I start to listen better. The static mutes and the authentic signal comes through.

And listening as a marketer only happens when I let go of effort, of will, of the need to sell something or convince somebody.

Marketing Minus Projection

When I come to listen with the agenda of manipulating your will, that’s not true listening. And you can sense that. And distrust it. And run from it, if you can.

But when I come with no agenda other than a thirst for truth, for your truth, then your words and thoughts and feelings come through undistorted. I can respond to you naturally in a way that you trust. The word respond comes from the French, meaning “to promise back.”

Whether we speak face to face, over the phone, via email, or whether you’re just one person in my “target market,” I can hear you only when I rest in my own integrity, when I promise back to you to dive into your fears, your pains, your desires, your stories only to serve your highest good. Not to plunder your secrets for my advantage.

In What Women Want, Nick initially uses his gift of mind-reading to climb the corporate ladder and seduce women. But almost despite himself, he begins to form friendships with his co-workers and develop respect for women. His gift of empathy is so powerful, his ego can’t maintain its manipulative stance.

Ultimately, he tells a hard truth and gets fired, and ends up losing his power in a storm as he rescues his secretary who was thinking suicidal thoughts. But he finds redemptive love, both from his estranged daughter and the women who ends up with his job.

His transformation complete, his manipulative power is no longer necessary. He has escaped from the prison of the mirror, and he can simply be, live, and respond to others from his own integrity. He has become trustworthy.
So may we all.

Howie Jacobson, PhD, is the author of Google AdWords For Dummies. He has been an online marketing strategist since 1999, helping clients use the internet to discover, understand, attract and serve their ideal customers. He writes for Fast Company and Harvard Business, and his hippie credentials include teaching at a Quaker School, delivering singing telegrams as a summer job, and playing Ultimate Frisbee every chance he gets. He currently lives with his family in South Africa, where he’s learning to drive a stick shift and be more patient. Follow him at @askhowie, like him at http://facebook.com/askhowie, or sign up for his newsletter at http://askhowie.com.

guest post: ‘spiritual marketing’ by howie jacobson

By: Tad | Published: January 8, 2012 · 3 Comments

by Howie Jacobson

“Most of my clients are liars and cheats,” Allen (not his real name) said.

I sighed. It was going to be a difficult consultation.

I was helping Allen improve his marketing. He wanted to know the best wording for AdWords ads that would attract prospects to his website and away from his competition, who were also “liars and cheats.”

Through questioning, I guided Allen to understand his prospects; their fears, their stories, their rationalizations, their fondest desires, their guiding metaphors. But Allen blocked me every step of the way with his dismissive answers. His impenetrable fortress of judgment and opinion blocked all openings to empathy.

Allen returned again and again to wordsmithing based on his current level of awareness, rather than allowing his awareness to be curious about the authentic internal experience of those he would attract and convince.

He ended up with slightly better ads, perhaps. But his judgmental and divisive worldview, which might be titled “Allen vs. the Scumbags,” prevented any insights based on understanding, respect, and (if I may use the word) love.

And therein lies the great opportunity and invitation of marketing: dropping our identification with our own judgments and opening to an unconditional curiosity about the experience of the other.

Isn’t Marketing the Opposite of Spiritual Consciousness?

Most spiritual traditions teach us not to believe our own thoughts, but instead allow a greater reality free from the conditioning of our ever-chattering, judging, commenting mind. To let go of personal desires, ego concerns, and petty identifications. To simply allow reality to exist and move through it in the here and now, without grasping, without forcing, without needing something else to make us OK and whole.

As entrepreneurs, as people of business, we’re in the business of wanting things. We want to make products, sell products, make money, innovate, beat the competition, buy a nice house, put security money in the bank, be free of financial worry and pain. How could we get things done without that engine of personal desire?

As marketers, we’re in the business of making other people want things. By poking their insecurities: you need this if you want to be loved/popular/successful. By highlighting gaps between desire and reality: you thought things were OK, but they could be so much better. By capitalizing on fear: there’s a limited supply, you might miss out, hurry and don’t take so long to think. How could we move product without appealing to our prospects’ most self-centered natures?

Spiritual Fraud

I’ve spent a lot of time posturing, pretending to others and myself that I was more spiritual that I actually was. From this place, writing ads and sales copy is pure agony. I find myself totally divided; wanting the sales and the money (sometimes desperately when it was a really important client or when I was out of money and the mortgage was due), and not wanting to appeal to the energies of greed and fear within my prospects.

Can you see the problem? I was operating out of greed and fear myself. But I was looking down on people I didn’t know for being greedy and fearful, and seeking to “enlighten” them through my spiritually uplifted marketing.

What a fraud!

At that stage of my consciousness, the only spiritually honest thing to do would have been to honor the energies of desire within my prospects and myself and speak to them directly. You’re scared? I’m scared too. Let’s talk about being scared. You want more money than you have now? So do I. I know what that feels like. Here’s a product that can help you get it.

The Labels Are What Get In the Way

Addressing my prospects at their level of consciousness is a hell of a lot more respectful than trying to impose another level of consciousness, a “more spiritual” level, on them. Especially when it’s a level I only pretend to attain.

The height of spiritual development, as I’ve come to understand it, is to accept everything as it is, without having an agenda of change or improvement. It’s more “spiritual” to sell someone a product that solves their perceived problem than to try to tell them they’re wrong for perceiving the problem.

So maybe you noticed the language trick I pulled in the last section. I changed the phrase “energies of fear and greed” into “energies of desire.” The first phrase is full of judgment; the second is simply a description. If I judge my prospects for being greedy and fearful, I have no place to stand in solidarity with them. My marketing will not connect.

The Spiritual Opportunity of Marketing

I no longer believe that the spiritual opportunity in marketing is to make my prospects and customers into better people. Into spiritually more advanced beings. Into enlightened souls. What a relief to drop that messiah complex!

The opportunity, instead, is to speak with them as they as, without judging or labeling or diminishing. The opportunity, in other words, is my own spiritual development, and nobody else’s. To mind my own business, not yours.

So what is it about marketing that invites my own spiritual growth? The main opportunity is the ongoing discovery of how I project my own stuff onto the world, and then blame the world for having it.

The Ongoing Discovery of Projection

Projection, as I experience it, means that I’m seeing “out there” what’s really going on “in here.” Just as a movie projector takes an image on a strip of celluloid and projects that image onto an external screen, I take my own issues, fears, faults, and assumptions and project them onto the world in general and other people in particular.

How do I know when I’m projecting? When I’m judging. When I dismiss people as wrong or stupid. When I label others in ways that diminish them. Through enquiry into my own experience, I’ve discovered that every single judgment about somebody else is actually a self-judgment.

When I think of my prospects as greedy and fearful, that’s a sure sign that I’ve got currents of greed and fear within myself. When I criticize TV talking heads for being hateful, I know I’ve got some hate inside me. When I complain about the person who only sees the negative in every situation, guess what? That’s all I can see in them.

Even positive judgments are projections. I can only experience you as kind or graceful or loving or brilliant if I can find those qualities in myself. It’s kind of a cosmic law: whatever I see outside is what I’ve got inside. The spiritual teacher Byron Katie has made a career of gently helping us see the delicious ironies that ensue when we project and judge without awareness.

Without projection, without judgment, I simply take each moment, each encounter, each experience as it comes. I can enter into it fully, see what’s there with fresh eyes and vivid awareness, and be fully present to others without needing to change them in any way.

Marketing to Identify and Resolve My Own Projections

So how do I use marketing to identify and let go of projection? By noticing all projections and following them to their logical conclusion, where they point back at me. At that point, believe me, I’m highly motivated to release them.

When I study my prospects, I notice all the words and concepts that arrive with value judgments. Stubborn. Lazy. Entitled. Stupid.Unrealistic. Desperate. Naïve. I then take each one and find it in myself. I always can. Every single time.

Now, if you came up to me and called me any of those things, I’d probably get hurt and insulted and defensive. “I am not. Let me prove it to you.” So no matter how hard the world tries to get my attention to focus on my character flaws, I’m equally persistent in my resistance. My mind is so good at this, I can probably make you feel like my own shortcomings are actually your fault. My interpersonal crimes rarely leave fingerprints.

So I appreciate the opportunity to dive into the deepest fears and longings of my prospects. I head straight for the dark stuff, the shadow desires, the unconscious feelings that are so much more powerful in motivating behavior than the feelings we’re OK enough with to admit to consciousness.

And in so doing, I end up wading through my own muck. As I own it, reclaim it, bring it home, and experience it fully without resistance or numbness, I heal it. How do I know when it’s healed? When I can’t find it outside of myself anymore.

Making Me a Better Marketer

Cleansing my field of projection is not only a tool for spiritual growth, it’s also the single most effective marketing “technique” I know. If you’ve ever been in the presence of someone who has cleaned their perception of projection, you know how wonderful it feels to be truly seen and heard. And how rare an experience it is for most people. When you can speak to your prospects from a place of non-judgment and unconditional regard and respect, they are naturally drawn to you.

Now, I don’t want to end this piece with a lie. So please don’t believe that I’m particularly good at this spiritual practice of noticing and owning my projections. Because I’m not. I know this because there still arise within me a million judgments a day. And some of them are so convincing, I still believe them and act on them and generally make a mess of things.

But at least I’m no longer confused about how to be a “spiritual” marketer. The story goes, when the young nobleman William Penn first saw the light of Quakerism, he asked the religion’s founder, George Fox, whether he had to stop wearing a sword since Quakerism preaches pacifism. Fox’s reply: “Wear it as long as you can.”

That is to say, when Penn truly aligned himself with pacifism, he would no longer be able to wear a sword. The decision would be internally based, rather than dictated by an outside authority.

Similarly, I appeal to greed and fear in my marketing copy to the extent that those appeals work on me. As I develop and grow, my marketing develops and grows. I no longer try to write “Holier Than Myself” copy that falls flat and helps no one.

So when I discovered that I was judging Allen for his pig-headedness and self-righteous separation from his prospects and competitors, I knew what my own next assignment was.

Island A: The Painful Symptom

By: Tad | Published: December 11, 2011 · 9 Comments

Words of introduction in which I explain of the incredible length of this post which should probably be an ebook

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle”

- Plato

I want to talk about empathy in marketing.

It might just be the most important part of it.

This is one of the longest posts I’ve ever put together. It likely took me about ten hours.

I spent so much time on this because I really want you to ‘get it’. I don’t just want to show you something new to look at – I want you to have new eyes.

Give me thirty minutes of your time to read this. It could change your business.

So many people in life struggle.

Alone.

They never feel like anyone ‘gets’ them. And, truthfully, most people don’t. They saunter in with their big words and importance advice. But, of course, the solutions rarely work. Because it was a cookie cutter, generic piece of advice. Like a suit that was too big it just didn’t ‘fit’.

When people see that we don’t ‘get’ them, they will never trust our solutions.

Translated: if your potential clients don’t feel like you ‘get’ them – they will never hire you; they’ll never buy from you. And, until you understand the real nature of the struggles your clients go through you will never be able to write good sales copy. But, vastly more importantly, you’ll never be able to craft a product or service that is genuinely perfect for them. Your products and services will always be generic.

But let me start by telling you a few stories.

I’m in a car driving from Santa Cruz, California with a friend of a friend to a music festival in Santa Rosa.

And she is venting.

Relationship stuff.

The drive is two hours.

And, during the entire drive, I barely say two words. I’m listening. Not that I don’t want to say things. Or feel like I have brilliant things to say. I do. I keep having pithy aphorisms, quotes and inspiring things to say that I’m convinced will help her. But something is telling me to keep my mouth shut and keep listening. So I do. Five minutes of silence pass as we drive. And then she takes a deep breath and says, ‘And another thing! . . .’

It goes like this for the whole drive. Me not saying much. Making sympathetic noises. Her sharing more and more deeply about what’s going on. At several points, I have the thought, ‘Wow. I’m glad I didn’t share that thing I was so excited to share thirty minutes ago.’ I keep seeing how off base my insights were. How useless they would have been. I thought the problem was X but it turns out to be Y. And then Z.

I keep listening.

Finally, a deep exhale from her. She seems done.

I say, ‘Wow. It seems like you’re really struggling with how to meet your needs for sexual expression . . . but also your needs for self respect.’

She grips the steering wheel a little tighter as her eyes widen. She takes a deep breath and looks over at me, ‘YES!’

What she was saying was, ‘YES! You got it! You articulated that better than I could have myself! Thank you.’

It feels wonderful to be ‘gotten’.

CARPENTERS RULE:

Measure twice. Cut once.

I’m in Toronto. It’s mid October. I’m leading a brand new workshop called ‘The Hot Box‘.

It’s an invite only workshop for more seasoned entrepreneurs focused at digging deep into their situations. Only eight people were there (but I realize I should limit it to six by the end of the day).

It’s a simple format.

We sit in a circle. People share where they’re struggling. We help them. Each person gets 45 minutes of the groups focus and time.

But the details are important. They have five minutes to share what’s up for them. Then the group has thirty minutes to make sure they really ‘get it’. We diagnose before we subscribe. For that thirty minutes no advice is allowed. Only clarifying question and reflections. Clarity first, resolution second.

And it’s amazing how different the advice is that I would give at the end of that thirty minutes than at the beginning.

I’m leading a workshop on Non Violent Communication for a housing coop in Edmonton.

We sit in a circle. I invite someone to share something they’re struggling with. A fellow named Jim volunteers. “I’m going home to visit soon. And my family and I always fight about politics. I don’t know how to deal with it.’

I feel everyone in the circle lean is as if to pounce on him with their advice, ideas and commiseration. They want to solve this shit.

I invite everyone to lean back. I invite them to question how clear they are about the real nature of the problem after so little information. Invite three people to reflect back what they heard. I ask Jim if they ‘got it’. He nods, but adds some more details. We end up going around the circle. I invite each person to share what they just heard him say and then I ask him, ‘did they get it?’

By the end of the circle Jim says, ‘I mean . . . do I even need to talk with my parents about this? I’m not even that political anymore.’

And it becomes clear: all of our advice from that first minute would have been useless.

Measure twice, cut once.

I’m talking with a friend about foreign aid. He’s bemoaning an organization that went in to built wells so people could have clean water – but didn’t teach the village how maintain it. “Tens of thousands of wasted dollars . . .” He shakes his head. “These aid organizations . . . They just don’t get it.”

Relevance

It’s easy to get lost in our brilliant point of view in marketing. To want to share our diagnosis of what’s really going on under the surface with people before they feel like we really get what it’s like to be them. To give all sorts of advice.

So, let me break it down.

People are overwhelmed with information these days. Thousands of marketing messages everyday. People unconsciously filter out 99% of the stimulus coming at them. What they do give their attention to are things they believe are relevant to them.

Relevance is the word.

And what is the only thing that is relevant to people? Their experience. Period. That’s it.

The more present, visceral and intense the experience – the more relevant it is.

When you’re in immense physical or emotional pain nothing else matters. If I were to have you hold your breath as long as you could – the only thing you’d want by the last few seconds is air.

If people can see how our product or service is relevant to them they will pay attention. If they can’t they won’t. It’s really as simple as that.

If you’ve followed my work at all you know all about my metaphor of the journey from Island A to Island B. You can watch a video about it here.

I wrote about it in a recent blog post about figuring out your platform.

Imagine a young man on an island (which we’ll call Island A). It’s not that great a place to be. But, it’s all he knows, so he goes about his days. Then he starts hearing that his is not the only island in the world. That there are other islands. At first he doesn’t believe it, but the more he visits the docks and meets these visitors the clearer it becomes. It’s true. And then, one day, he hears about a particular island (which we’ll call Island B). And his heart leaps. He wants to go there.

Of course, he needs to get a boat to go there.

But there are so many boats to hire! Which one to choose?

Your business is a boat. It helps people like this young man get from Island A where they’re struggling with some problem (i.e. set of symptoms they don’t like) to Island B where they have the result they want (i.e. something they’re craving).

People don’t get on your boat because they love it. They get on your boat to get off Island A.

And that’s the question: what is Island A?

Island A is the painful set of symptoms they experience in their lives. It’s the problem they face. It’s why they’re looking for a boat in the first place. It’s what makes your boat relevant to them. If they have no problem, they have, in their mind, no need for a solution.

I will often ask holistic or permaculture providers what problems they solve for their clients. They’ll laugh and say, ‘That’s the thing! This modality/approach can work on any problem. What can’t it do?‘

They’re so in love with their boat (what they do and how they do it) and so they talk about their boat all the time. But people only care about your boat if it can help them with their problem.

This seems like it would be a liberating approach or perspective. You’re not limiting your options. But it’s actually the most limiting thing you can do. Because now there’s no relevance for the boat. Why bother getting on a boat if you don’t want to leave the Island?

Their Symptoms vs. Your Diagnosis

The famous golfer Jack Nicklaus was suffering from intense pain in his right knee and considering getting surgery.

But his friend begged of him to go see Pete Egoscue, a structural anatomist. Begrudgingly, as a favour to his friend, he went. When Jack walked into the office, Pete looked up and saw him limping.

“I see you’re having trouble with your hip.”

“Actually,” said Jack ‘why-did-i-agree-to-see-this-quack?’ Nicklaus. “I’m in crippling pain in my right knee.” and was about to leave.

“I can see you’re in pain in your knee. But that’s the source of your pain – it’s not the cause. The cause is that your right hip is rotated forward and that’s putting pressure on your knee. Get down on the ground and try this . . .”

After thirty minutes of stretching and exercises, Jack stood up. With no pain in his knee.

Pete looked him in the eye, “If you want this pain to stay away, you’ll do exactly what I say.”

Client for life.

The point I want you to get from this story is the sharp distinction between symptoms and signs.

The symptom is what the patient feels. The sign is what the doctor or trained practitioner notices. The person may come in with crippling knee pain (symptom). But the practitioner sees that this pain is caused by the hip rotating forward and putting pressure on the knee (sign). Here’s the point – in marketing you must speak to the symptoms not to the signs.

“What is my client’s absolute biggest problem? What is their perception of that problem? Their perception is more important than yours. Build your company around your customers biggest perceived problem. Give them your solution, or somebody else will.” Jay Abraham

Imagine a full page ad in a golf magazine: which headline do you thinking would be more effective?

A) “Are you suffering from excruciating knee pain every time you walk?”

B) “Is your left hip rotated forward due to a lack of core muscle strength?”

Duh.

This distinction is critical. In the beginning, you must speak to people’s experiences – not about your brilliant diagnosis of what caused their experience.

Empathy before education.

The truth: Most people don’t see themselves clearly. They could be the biggest asshole in the world – and never notice it. If you try to write an add saying, “Are you an asshole?” You probably won’t have much luck. Most people think of themselves as good people who are victimized by the world.

Is that sad? Maybe – but I’d suggest you get over that and just accept that that’s how it is.

People may not have any sense that they’re jerks – but I will guarantee you that they are noticing some of the consequences of their behaviour (even if they blame everyone else) – and that is what you need to speak to. Maybe they notice that they have no friends who they’ve known more than a year. Maybe they notice that they get lied to a lot. Maybe they notice that people break commitments with them a lot. They’re getting stood up for dates a lot. You’d get further in your marketing if you spoke to that.

Another example: most people think that they’re great communicators. They really do. So, if you come at someone from the angle of “we work with managers who don’t have the communication skills to motivate their employees” you won’t get very far. It may be true – but it’s a sign, not a symptom.

And all of your marketing must speak 100% to the symptoms that they are experiencing.

If you changed your approach to be, “We work with managers who aren’t getting the kind of buy in they’d like from their employees.” You’ve got to speak to what’s real for them. And what’s real for them is rarely that they are to blame. They probably are feeling hard done by. That doesn’t mean that you can’t help them identify where they are responsible for what’s happening to them – all it means is that you can’t start there.

A million more examples follow . . .

For the past fifteen years, I’ve worked with a non-profit in California. One of the ideas that’s evolved is to offer some mentorship and consulting to folks running non-profits working for progressive and radical change.

They walk into the office every day trying to keep their organization running and achieving its big vision. That’s what got them into it. Wanting to make a big difference.

And what we’ve seen is that, despite great missions and programs, many organizations are (secretly) suffering from breakdown due to internal conflicts, burnout and lack of alignment. Lots of money and energy are spent in building up an image to the outside world, while inside, things are falling apart for individuals and their relationships.

But if I were to try to get an Executive Director’s attention I wouldn’t say, ‘Is your organization out of alignment?’ Instead, I might speak to some of the following . . .

people aren’t really talking to each other in the organization

your organization is full of cliques

your organization is trying to work with a diverse coalition but you’re all of one gender, race or class – you’re a monoculture organization seeking to work on diverse things

lots of following but not initiative and leadership for people

you have to generate all the ideas and no one else is contributing

people are constantly criticizing ideas and putting them down – not very generative

your group is criticized about diversity/anti-oppression stuff

want to form alliances with other kinds of groups but not sure how

frustrated by divisiveness in activist community in your area

you’ve done an anti-oppression training but don’t know how to integrate it (and secretly have questions or doubts about the whole frame)

had a blow up around race, class, gender, power issues in your organization

people are calling you out on your attachment to power – you’ve become ‘the man’ to your staff

the roles and responsibilities are not the right fit. Some people are doing the wrong job and you’re not sure how to let them go or find them another position.

you keep trying to do the right thing to make your organization an embodiment of the culture you want to see in the world – only to have it blow up in your face

you’re feeling alone and isolated with no one to talk to

If I was leading a Non Violent Communication NVC) workshop, I wouldn’t try to educate people about all the intricacies, elements and premises of NVC in the ad. I’d want to speak to the symptom. Here’s an example of some potential content for a generic NVC workshop ad.

do you collapse and crumble inside when you’re verbally attacked?

(or do you just lose your shit and say things you later regret?)

There’s a third option that allows you to retain your spine without closing your heart down.

If you can honestly answer yes to the following 21 questions, you might find this workshop useful . . .

1.     have you ever had someone listen to you so deeply and non-defensively when you were in pain and angry with them that the pain went away and you were left feeling wonderful?

2.     does the idea of conflict secretly scare you?

3.     do you have a lot of trouble saying ‘no’ without feeling guilty?

4.     do you often feel like your needs are a burden on others?

5.     is it really important for you to be seen as ‘reasonable’ and ‘nice’?

6.     do you often not share the truth of what you’re feeling and needing with loved ones because you don’t want to hurt their feelings?

7.     do you often feel confused about exactly what it is you are feeling and needing?

8.     do you believe that your needs are something you should transcend or ignore (vs. just getting them met)?

9.     do you have strong belief in right and wrong? (and that people who do ‘bad’ should be punished while those who do ‘good’ should be rewarded?)

10.   do you find yourself staying put and staying quiet (smiling sweetly and unable to speak up) in intolerable situations?

11.   do you think that if you’re nice enough people will love and respect you?

12.   do you often feel deep resentment and bitterness towards people for not listening to you?

13.   do you sometimes feel scared that your feelings will overwhelm you or others?

14.   do you sometimes lie about how hurt or uncomfortable you feel because you don’t want to be ‘rude’

15.   do you feel guilty about asking directly for what you want and need?

16.   do you secretly fear that humanity is rotten at its core?

17.   when someone is in a great deal of emotional pain, do you find yourself initially trying to help them understand how they manifested this into their life (and to take responsibility for it)? or do you try to help them understand the spiritual lessons that they’re gaining from it . . . instead of just listening and giving them empathy?

18.   do you think it’s important to ‘call people on their shit?’

19.   do you think it’s important to be blunt and tell people what’s wrong with them when you can see it?

20.   do you intellectually believe in the idea of finding a win/win solution but emotionally shut down and react in ways you wish you didn’t when conflict arises?

21.   do you wish you could maintain your full presence when people are communicating with you in ways that you don’t like?

I hope this is making sense.

Speak to the symptoms, not about your diagnosis.

Nicole Moen speaks brilliantly to a common human experience, “Have you ever felt the urge to walk out your door and just go? You know, like, simply start walking . . . who knows where?”

Alex Baisley offers these words in his ‘Creating a Sustainable Lifestyle’ workshop:

Maybe you have a job or business you really don’t care for anymore. You feel there is more to life, that you’d like to work at something meaningful, maybe work for yourself, help others, have a better lifestyle, but you just can’t figure out what you should be doing.

You know you are creative, independent, and would prefer to make your living doing your ‘own thing’ if you could just figure out what…

Have you questioned leaving your job, going back to school, going to a life coach…? All good ideas by the way, but before going through another day frustrated and questioning… maybe come hear me out.

Maybe you are a parent, and you love the idea of having your work fit better with your family – allowing you to spend more time with your kids for instance, maybe even have them be involved in your work somehow a better life / work balance…

Do you ever get that ‘PANIC’ of feeling time is ticking along, and you still haven’t figured out what the heck you’re supposed to be doing with your life? This can be a very unpleasant experience – I know first hand what it felt like, and I’m sure glad I don’t feel it any more!

Kristi Beatty, a sexual enrichment counselor in Calgary articulates the experience of many women:

Not knowing their bodies and what truly pleases them.

Difficulties communicating with their partner about their needs, desires and wants.

Feeling obligated to have sex and not enjoying it.

Having difficulties having an orgasm or don’t orgasm at all with themselves and/or with a partner.

Feeling guilty when they self pleasure and/or don’t self pleasure at all.

Craving a deep intimate relationship with their partner but lacking a deep intimate relationship with themselves.

Avoiding having sex or certain sexual positions because they are self conscious about how their body looks naked.

Enjoying making love with their partner and giving them pleasure but have a hard time receiving pleasure.

Thinking they are “dirty” or “bad” because they actually do enjoy sex and want it more than their partners.

Feeling guilty or shameful about their fantasies and are afraid to express them.

The Therapy Vault was created out of empathy for the pain of therapists having to carry so many esecrets in their hearts and having no one they can talk to about it.

Carrie Klassen has written a wonderful ebook called ‘How to Write a Lovable Homepage’ and she articulates the experience

How to Write a Lovable Homepage is for entrepreneurs who:

are doing what they love but aren’t quite making a living yet (you’re not alone!)

don’t have enough clients, or enough “right” clients

want to surround themselves with only supportive, enthusiastic and loyal customers

feel stuck or stressed when it comes to figuring out what to write

aren’t always proud to share their websites

Mark Silver’s homepage does a wonderful job of articulating Island A:

Are you losing your heart trying to make your business work?

You can make a healthy profit and a real difference.

You want to make a difference in the world. And there’s no job description that lets you do exactly what you most want. Or the freedom that being self-employed gives you. Or the income potential.

So, accidentally or intentionally, you find yourself in business.

But it’s hard. Running a business turns out to involve more than you thought. Your vision can easily get lost in the overwhelming whirl of details and the pressure of bringing in cash. It’s no surprise you can end up dispirited and burnt-out, losing your confidence, passion and direction.

What’s more, the things you think you have to do to make the business work… you just won’t betray your heart and ethics like that. You won’t do it, no matter how “effective.”

Speak to the symptoms, not about your diagnosis.

Another story: A classic example of getting clear about the problem is FedEx.

For years, they thought they were targeting the CEO’s of the businesses. They thought the problem was helping to facilitate their communication. But then someone stopped and noticed what was going on. They realized that it wasn’t the CEO’s who were using FedEx. It was the harried secretary. They realized that these secretaries wanted to be heroes to their bosses. They changed their marketing to address that and their sales exploded.

The movie The Matrix did this. It powerfully captured a feeling that many people live with. This vague sense that things aren’t right; that there’s more to the world than what we see. It captured the frustration of feeling like we’re just food for the larger machine.

When running for the Presidency in the USA for the 2004 Elections, Senator John Edwards used his “Two Americas” stump speech as the core of his messaging. The message was this: “There’s not just one America. There are two Americas. There’s an America where you get health care and there’s an America where you don’t. There’s an America where you have opportunity and there’s an America where you don’t.” People resonated with this powerfully. “Yes,” they thought. “It’s just like that.”

The title of John Gray’s best-selling book ‘Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus‘ struck a chord all over the world. People heard that and said, “Wow. That’s true. It’s just like that.” (NOTE: Friends of mine also staged a comedy production called ‘Men Are Stupid, Women Are Crazy.’ which also seemed to resonate strongly with both genders . . .)

Ari Galper realized that most sale people hated cold calling. Hated it. They had a fear of phone. But their jobs depended on it. Here’s what it says on his webpage:

Is Selling Painful For You?

It’s not your fault — and there is a better way

Old “tried and true” sales techniques that were once successful have completely lost their effectiveness over the years. That’s why I developed a sales approach that will quickly and automatically put you ahead of the game and instantly in a league above your competition.

Imagine that you hate your job and you see this ad. Do you think it might speak to you?

“Is your boss a psychopath?”

Want to quit your job, but you’re afraid to?

Tired of your increasing workload without added pay?

80% of employees dislike their work.

DO YOU?

Call us today – we can help.

Speak to the symptoms, not about your diagnosis.

A core question to ask yourself is, “Under what circumstances do your prospects start to think about buying what you offer?” (thank to the book Monopolize Your Marketplace for this gem).

This isn’t what events make people think about buying from you. It’s what make them think about buying the product or service you sell in general.

Also – this is just what starts them thinking about it. We’re not asking for the things that make them say “YES! I’ll buy!” We’re looking for the core problems or triggers that start the process of thinking, researching, talking to friends etc. Only 5% of people are ready to buy right now. Most people are earlier on in the spectrum.

Example #1: What would happen to let you know you were needing a new car?

o   It’s breaking down constantly.
o   I’ve spent more money on repairs than the car is worth. I feel frustrated.
o   I hate the look of my car. I feel embarrased.
o   I just saw a new car I like.
o   I want to get a more fuel efficient car.
o   My family has grown and I need a larger vehicle.

Example #2: What would happen to let you know you were needing a new fence?

o   Your fence is sagging
o   My fence is eight year’s old and it’s starting to look run down
o   My family pet is escaping through gaps in the fence.
o   Animals are getting into your garden
o   The fence is sagging
o   The posts are rotting
o   A strong wind is causing one section to lean.
o   I’m building a new swimming pool and the fence is required by law.
o   You have children and you can’t leave them alone in the yard because they might run into the street.
o   I’m selling my house and I want to get top dollar.

Example #3: What might happen to let you know you were needing a life coach?

o   I am feeling lost in my life
o   I feel like I’m spinning my wheels.
o   I just got laid off and have no idea what to do. I feel overwhelmed.
o   I’ve just gone through a painful divorce and am wanting to start fresh but know I need support.
o   I keep meaning to handle important areas of my life but never seem to get around to it. I feel ashamed and embarrased.
o   I have a very hard time saying ‘no’ and drawing boundaries without feeling guilty
o   I am not getting my needs met in a relationship but have no idea how to ask for it. I feel helpless and confused.
o   I feel dissatisfied with my life but can’t put my finger on why that is.
o   I’ve read all the damn new age and personal development books and I still feel stuck in the same old patterns. I realize that it’s not about more information.
o   I am feeling stuck right now in some unhealthy patterns and I’m just needing someone to hold my hand and walk me through this.

Example #4: Under what circumstances might you start thinking about hiring a web designer?

o   I’m embarrassed about the appearance of my website.
o   I notice that I’m not passing out my website address because I feel so ashamed of its appearance.
o   My materials and website no longer represent me. They don’t capture my vibe and personality.
o   I just saw a website or flyer that made you say, “Wow! I wish mine looked that good.”

In my workshops, I often have clients practice introducing themselves by saying, “Do you know how (kinds of people) struggle with (kind of problem)?” (e.g. “Do you know how a lot of holistic practitioners struggle with getting enough clients?”

That phrasing of “Do you know . . .?”is important. It’s important that they do know. It’s important that I’m speaking to the symptoms they’re experiencing not the underlying cause (we can and should speak to that later, but not until there’s relevance established).

Which of the following headlines do you think is most likely to get people’s attention?

1) ‘Do you know how people struggle with always dating the same type of person?’

2) ‘Do you know how some people’s heart chakra’s are closed down due to past unresolved karma?’

It’s obvious isn’t it?

Shouldn’t our businesses exist to help people with their real problems instead of just being a vanity piece where we show off our boat?

I want to suggest that the heart of your marketing can (and, if I might be so bold, perhaps ought to be) empathy.

Life can be hard sometimes.

We all struggle with things. And we all need help sometimes.

Our business exists to help people with their problems.

Simple enough idea – but the implications are profound and applications often totally overlooked.

Again, the word of the day is: relevance.

Do you remember Aesop’s fable about the lion with the thorn in his paw?

A mouse comes along and sees how much pain the thorn is causing the lion. Even though the lion is roaring loudly, the mouse bravely steps forward and takes it out and wins the lion’s lifelong loyalty. They become the best of friends.

Here’s the point: do you think the lion cared who took it out? Or what particular set of tools the mouse used? What technique? Where he learned it? No. Maybe afterwards. But the first and foremost thing on his mind was ‘get me out of pain.’

“It’s much harder to sell clients on a nice idea than it is to speak to the urgent problems they’re facing now.”
Phila Hoopes

But isn’t this being negative?

The key is to speak to people’s actual experience, not to just talk about our boat.

Sometimes what’s most real for people is Island A (what they don’t want) and sometimes what’s most real is Island B (what they do want).

But, often, people are more focused on what they don’t want than what they do want.

Is that a disempowering focus? Probably.

Is that a sad statement about where most folks are at? Perhaps.

But you can spend your time railing against reality or you can have empathy for it.

I know some marketers – especially in the new age scene – who never ever want to dwell on the negative or speak to people’s problems. They think that this makes those problems more real and that it’s manipulative.

While I really respect the integrity of this stance – I also think it’s entirely misguided. These people often are failing profoundly in their marketing. What’s often happening is that they’re in love with talking about how profoundly amazing their boat and point of view is.

When people are in pain – they need empathy – not advice.

As the old saying goes, “They don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” Sometimes people are just craving for someone to acknowledge their struggles; to know they’re not alone or crazy for feeling how they feel.

For most people, their vision of what they want is far off in the distance but their problems are right in front of their face. And if you want to get their attention you must speak to what’s real to them right now.

You can be arrogant and holier or granolier than thou if you want. You can insist on speaking to what you think they should be focused on. You can ignore how much they’re hurting and simply refuse to acknowledge it and then blame them for not responding to it. You can choose to live in some mythical land where everyone is fully empowered and focused solely on what they want – or you can be a human being and admit that sometimes life is hard for folks. Sometimes people feel frustrated and confused and angry.

If you are willing to get off your high horse and really ‘be with the people’ – if you’re willing to take the time to hear and really understand the pain they experience and willing to articulate that in your marketing – an amazing thing happens: first of all, you get their attention. Second of all, people don’t feel manipulated – they feel seen. If you can artfully articulate their problems well – they feel heard, understood and acknowledged.

And that creates something else – profound trust and connection. If you can give them the empathy they’re seeking by speaking to their experience – they will turn to you like a plant does to sunlight. They will assume that, if you understand their problems that well – your solutions must be equally well thought out.

And, once a relationships developed – you may even be able to help them move their focus away from what they don’t want to what they do want and perhaps even lift their vision to a new horizon they never knew was possible – and wouldn’t that be a wonderful gift to give them?

Ask yourself: What’s going on with them that makes what you’re offering relevant?

If there’s no problem, there’s no relevance.

People don’t get on your boat because they love it. They get on your boat to get off Island A.

Three Compelling Reasons to Clarify Island A:

REASON #1 – THE OPENING

It will give you a compelling opening for your homepage, sales letter, presentation or cold call.

How do most sales conversations start? It’s all about the salesperson, isn’t it. “Hi my name is John and I’m calling from Acme Supplies.” Though it may not be immediately obvious how to do it you can start the conversation with their need, their problems – not your company’s pitch. By starting with their problem, with their lived experience, you instantly get their attention and interest.

If your marketing speaks to a significant problem of theirs, you’d be shocked how much they’d be willing to read. A thirty page sales letter? Impossible you say. Not so.

Imagine you were getting divorced and you didn’t want it to happen. And then, one day in the mail you get a huge direct mail piece with the headline “Exactly What You Need to Say to Stop Your Painful Divorce – Even If It Feels Hopeless.” You’d very likely sit down and read that. If a friend gave to you, even more likely.

When relevance has been established people pay attention. Until it’s been established, they ignore you. It’s rarely a matter of too much information or too many words. It’s almost always an issue of too little relevance.

REASON #2 – IS IT A FIT?

If you are speaking to someone and they are not dealing with the problem you solve – that’s it. It’s over. No need to chase them. No need to try to ask them probing questions. The entire goal of our marketing should be about helping them to sort out if we’re a fit for them or not.

There are so many elements of whether things are a fit or not – but the fastest, clearest and most important one is this: ‘can you help me with a problem I’m experiencing?’. If the problem we solve is fuzzy, so will their minds be when trying to figure out if it’s a fit. Always remember this: the confused mind says ‘no’.

REASON #3 – TRUST

If you can articulate their lived experience and problems even better than they can they will experience a profound amount of trust with you.

They feel profoundly safe with you because they know that you understand them. Don’t underestimate the power of this. In their mind, the logic goes like this: ‘if they understand my problems so well, they most understand how to design a solution well too.’

People don’t get on your boat because they love it. They get on your boat to get off Island A.

Until they perceives some relevance in what you do to their life – nothing happens. And why should it?

On a personal level they may love you dearly, they might give you polite interest at that cocktail party, but on a business level they could care less about your problems, travails and how hard it is for you. They want to know, ‘What can you do for me? Can you get me relief from this pain?’

No, they’re coming to you to get something. Your business is just a tool. Your boat is just a boat to them. An ends to a means. It might sound harsh but I think you’ll find it’s true.

The point is that it isn’t about you and your boat.

Three levels of progress in this area. You know you’re making progress here when:

1) You realize that they’re on Island A and want to go to Island B. You realize that it’s not about your boat – it’s about their journey.

2) You realize that many people are in learned helplessness about their problems. They think the pain is unavoidable – they’ve tried so. many. different. times. They don’t believe those deeper needs will ever be fulfilled. They fear that the problem is permanent. They’ve learned that they can never get off Island A.

3) You can articulate their problems better than they can. You can articulate the needs and inklings that they barely even knew they had themselves – you can put words to those vague discomforts, niggling doubts and unclear concerns.

This is a huge sign of progress.

Rich Scheffrenn says in his Maven Matrix report: “Come up with at least three ways to articulate these problems better than your prospects have. (It’s not as hard as it might sound…nobody sits around trying to come up with better ways to describe a problem, so thinking time will give you a huge advantage here.)” This means that you don’t only understand Island A, you know how they feel about being Island A.

Your goal is to be able to speak to your ideal clients about their problem, about their daily experience, in such a way that they say, “Wow! That’s me! That’s it. She gets it! She understands what I’m dealing with. I’ve never felt that understood.”

Most people don’t even really know what’s wrong. They just know that something feels off.

If you can get that kind of “that’s me!” response you instantly gain massive trust. If they trust your diagnosis, they’ll trust your prescription.

Nothing builds your credibility faster than this. Nothing.

Ari Galper shares these words . . .

“The Prospect’s World — How Do We Understand It?”

QUESTION: Ari, your e-mail really resonated with me. I have my doubts about one sentence, and I’m not sure if it’s because of how it was stated. You say: “…having intimate knowledge of your prospects’ problems BEFORE you approach them.” How can you have intimate knowledge of the prospects problem before approaching them? Through lots of research? I strongly believe we can never to understand our prospect’s world because we don’t live in their world, no matter how much we try.

ARI: Understanding more about your prospects’ problems BEFORE you approach them comes from your ability to listen. And when I say listen, I mean, “Listen WITHOUT your mind thinking about how to move the conversation closer to a sale.”

Also, the term “research” is a bit too impersonal. It’s more accurate to say that you’ll have deep knowledge about your prospects’ problems when you can have open, agenda-free conversations with people who are comfortable sharing what’s happening from their perspective.

But you can’t get these insights if you’re always thinking about moving the sale forward. If a voice in your mind is always saying, “How do I move this conversation closer to a sale?,” then you’re really not “listening.” That’s why you think you can’t “live in their world.” Let go of trying to make the sale, and you’ll learn more about your prospects than you ever imagined.

Four qualities of a well articulated problem:

it’s urgent: if it’s the kind of problem they can handle whenever, they will likely put off handling it. If there’s no urgency they’ll likely regard what you do with fascination and respect, but they won’t buy. If it’s a mild, dull ache . . . well some people can live with those forever. It’s the old story of the city slicker who gets lost in the country and he walks to a farm house. While he’s getting directions from the farmer sitting on his porch, the dog next to the farmer on the porch floor is whining something awful. When he asks what’s wrong with the dog, the farmer tells him, ‘Oh him. He’s sittin’ on a nail.’ But, the city slicker persists, ‘why doesn’t he move then?’ The farmer looks down on the dog, ‘well, it doesn’t hurt that much . . .’

it’s particular: yes, ‘stress’ is a symptom. True. But the stress of a housewife and the stress of a CEO are different. The stress of living your life hiding the fact that you’re gay is different than the stress of trying to scrape enough money to pay your bills. The question of niche becomes tremendously important here. Nothing helps us qualify and refine the nature of the symptoms faster than knowing exactly who we’re talking about.

it’s sensory: the most effective of these appeal to your five senses. You can easily describe them. You can imagine them clearly. You can visualize them. Taken together, the symptoms paint a picture of someone’s life. They tell a story. Your ideal client should read the list you come up with and say, “that’s me!”

it has feelings: ideally you not only put in the specific symptoms but also how people feel about those symptoms.

Seven ways to identify and clarify the symptoms you help your clients with

look to your own wounds: in so many cases, we end up being able to best serve people who are just like us. We can help people who are going through what we went through. Our deepest wounds are often our truest niche.

interviews and conversations: sit down with people in your niche and ask them what it’s like to be them. Listen carefully. Take notes. You likely can’t do this enough.

listen for their metaphors: when they describe what they live with what images do they use? what is it like for them? what does it seem like to be on Island A? Is it like a prison? Do they feel like they’re at the ‘end of their rope’ or ‘up against a wall’ or more like they’re drowning? Sometimes, this kind of evocative imagery can be used very powerfully in our marketing.

look for industry frustrations: where are they currently frustrated or aggravated with your industry? Knowing this can give you some keen insights into how to design your boat and frame it best.

get interviewed: have a friend interview you and record what you say. The catch: you must answer the question as if you were your own ideal client. So you will answer all questions with “I” not “they”. Pretend you’re the kind of client you want – step into their shoes. Have them ask you this question again and again, “Under what circumstances do you start to think about buying __________________?”
research online: find out where your niche hangs out online. Are there certain forums, blogs, facebook pages etc. Go and research. Read their comments. Participate. Ask questions.

consider which of the four tracks it’s a part of: most of the problems people face in their life will fit into one of the following four ‘tracks’. Which one is primary for you (remember: their symptoms, not your diagnosis).

health: physical health, more energy, being more strong, more flexible, better digestion, better sleep etc.

money: this could mean more cash, better money management, ways to save money etc. Can you help them make it or save it? Can you improve their career prospects?

peace of mind: a deeper sense of spirituality and meaning etc. Can you help people feel more relaxed, safe and comfortable in their own skin and at home in the world? Can you help them partake in more meaningful work in their life?

relationships: dating, marriage, better sex etc.

Thoughts on how to use these symptoms in your marketing:

with great respect and sensitivity: these things are often incredibly painful for people. We don’t want to speak tritely of people’s pain. If they are feeling shame – that is incredibly crippling. It’s very sensitive ground. Tread carefully. You need to acknowledge how hard it is for them.

share your own story: sometimes we don’t have to say the infomercially words like, ‘do you suffer from bad breath?’. Sometimes we can just share our story and they can find themselves in it. And sometimes that’s more powerful.

tell the client’s story: another option is that you can articulate the story of your typical client. You can do a little one or a big one.

be curious about the problems you already solve (that you might not even know you’re solving): Thomas Leonard was one of the founders of the Life Coaching movement. But before he did this, he was a financial advisor. One day he asked a couple who he’d worked with for years, “Why do you work with me? I mean, beyond the technical side.” The husband said, “Thomas, how could we give you up? You’re our marriage counselor!” Thomas was confused and asked them to explain. The wife spoke up and said, “Thomas, you need to understand, before we came to you our marriage was on the rocks. And it was mostly due to fights about money. But then when we saw you, you had this incredibly gentle way of working things out with us. We left that first meeting feeling so at peace. Now we have a rule in our marriage. We don’t talk about money unless Thomas is there. You’ve saved our marriage.”

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Island Z: The Unspoken Fears

By: Tad | Published: December 6, 2011 · 6 Comments

A lot of us have fears we never speak about. Fears we imagine no one else has. Fears no one else could understand.

And I think it’s important to know what these are for your client.

I’ve been writing a lot about the journey and the key elements of your platform lately.

Here’s a recap if you’ve missed it.

Imagine a young man on an island (which we’ll call Island A). It’s not that great a place to be. But, it’s all he knows, so he goes about his days. Then he starts hearing that his is not the only island in the world. That there are other islands. At first he doesn’t believe it, but the more he visits the docks and meets these visitors the clearer it becomes. It’s true. And then, one day, he hears about a particular island (which we’ll call Island B). And his heart leaps. He wants to go there.

Of course, he needs to get a boat to go there.

But there are so many boats to hire! Which one to choose?

Your business is a boat. It helps people like this young man get from Island A where they’re struggling with some problem (i.e. set of symptoms they don’t like) to Island B where they have the result they want (i.e. something they’re craving).

But if you can imagine that to left of Island A is another island. Island Z. But the catch is, it’s not a real island. It’s an imaginary island. It’s a fantasy. A fear. A phantom. But it feels so incredibly real. If you can imagine Island Z is in a thought bubble above the person sitting on Island A.

Island Z is where they’re secretly scared they’re going to end up if they do nothing.

These are fears like:

‘If i don’t handle my dating life I’m going to end up old and alone.’

‘If I approach that woman I’m attracted to she’ll think I’m a total creep and tell all her friends and everyone watching will laugh at me.’

‘if I don’t keep my mind sharp I’m going to end up with alzheimers like my great grandparents.’

‘I’m so scared that when I’m older there will be no one to look after me and I’ll end up a bag lady.’

‘I don’t want to end up like my father.’

‘If people knew I was struggling with this then __________ would happen.’

‘If I admit that I’ve got these healthy symptoms then I might find out I have cancer like my father.’

These fears are rarely talked about, but they’re deeply real for people. These fears aren’t things you can be ‘known’ for but understanding them gives you an incredible empathy and sensitivity which will allow you to engage the other three more deeply and safely.

And many of us are, secretly, so scared we’re going to end up there.

I think it’s important to be aware of these fears. Because, sometimes, these fears are so profoundly deep and overwhelming that they can’t even acknowledge that they’re on Island A. They can’t even acknowledge that they have a problem because then they’d have to acknowledge the potential implications of that.

If’ I’m in my 70′s and starting to forget a lot of things, I might not tell anyone because if I do they might take away my driver’s license. They might want to do tests. They might tell me I have alzheimers. And I’d just rather not know.

Island Z can be so terrifying that it keeps us frozen in a holding pattern that’s not healthy for us. And it’s exhausting. We spend so much energy trying to avoid look at it.

When you begin a conversation around new and better possibilities for people, it can bring them face-to-face with their current reality and where that might lead. It brings them face-to-face with the quality of life that they are currently settling for and where that might lead. Most people know that more is possible — which makes it all the more painful to look at the level they have decided to live at.

This will bring up pain for people. So, it’s important to realize the mechanisms that people have for dealing with pain. In fact, these mechanisms are probably what caused them to settle in the first place. Basically, there are…

6 Ways We Avoid Dealing with Pain:

1. Denial: We try to pretend that it’s not there. We pretend that it doesn’t hurt. It’s like the old Aesop’s fable about the Fox trying to get the grapes. He tries to trick the crow into dropping them but, when unsuccessful, walks away saying, “I didn’t want those grapes anyway.”

I have heard people describe denial by using it as an acronym for Don’t Even Notice I Am Lying.

We will go to amazing lengths to pretend we don’t have a problem. Whether it’s as extreme as alcoholism, the state of our physical health or the state of our finances. We sometimes seem to believe that if we don’t look at the problem it will simply go away. Denial is the ostrich sticking its head in the sand.

2. Sedatives and Numbing Out: We use sedatives of “food”, alcohol, drugs etc. to lower our level of pain. The use of any of these once a while, isn’t the issue. The issue is that we use these as a consistent pattern. But perhaps the worst drug of all is when people tell themselves “it’s okay”. When we have attempted to create a result again and again and failed – we tend to give up.

When we try to handle our finances in countless ways and can’t seem to get it together we will either step up and take another cut the ball or we will step down and deal with our pain by saying, “it’s okay. It’s not really that bad.”

We will reinforce this by hanging around with a peer group that has equally low expectations of life. This peer group will say things like, “Hey, don’t be so hard in yourself. Quit working so hard. Relax once a while.” But the peer group is not really saying these things out of any sense of true caring for the person the because they don’t want to look at the fact that they are also in pain – and they don’t want to lose their friend.

3. Rationalize And Tell Themselves Stories: you can hear a rationalization a million miles away. They almost always start with the words “Well it’s not like I…” or “At least I . . .” (followed by the one strong standard they have).

We’ll say things like, “Sure I smoke once in awhile, but it’s not like I’m one of those people who smokes three packs a day.” Or when looking at our finances, we’ll say, “Sure my finances are a mess but it’s not like I’m $100,000 in debt on credit cards.” Or we’ll look at their romantic relationships and say, “Sure, it’s not the most fulfilling relationship in the world but it’s not like we’re fighting all the time and hate each other.”

The easiest way to rationalize lowering our standards is to compare ourselves with people who have even lower standards.

4. Justify: We give our reasons: “I mean I should do this but…” in whatever comes after that “but” is our “excuse” for not taking action. So, at least we acknowledge that there is a problem, but the way we choose to deal with it is to prove to other people, and ourselves, why we can’t do anything about it.

5. Using Softeners: We say, “I’m big boned…” vs. “I’m fat”. We say, “I’m having a few problems with my finances.” As opposed to, “My personal finances are a disaster.” We will use the language that softens the emotional impact — and so we will never ever connect with the pain that could actually drive them to create the change they want in our lives. Until we face, and ultimately embrace, the pain they are currently experiencing we will never have the energy or motivation to create the level of change we want.

6. We Blame: We make it someone else’s fault. It’s my ancestors, my family, my friends, my boss, the world, God, circumstance . . . anything but us. Then we get to feel like a victim and get some sympathy (which can feel nice). But nothing changes. All of our energy gets invested in trying to change things we can’t change.

This is different from seeing how one’s problem or fear is actually a symptom of a larger collective issue – e.g. perfectionism – which can be really freeing.

So how do you deal with these deep fears?

With a lot of love and empathy. Many entrepreneurs miss the empathy piece and end up with one the four client repelling traits I speak to in this blog post.

20 Non Empathic Responses to People’s Pain

a516700194 6003549 1998 Island Z: The Unspoken Fears Many of the following responses to people’s pain may seem empathic, until you’re at the receiving end of them. Give this a read and notice what responses people give you that don’t feel good – and notice which one you tend to give other people.

None of these will work to address the fears of Island Z or create any sense of safety. These are all borrowed from the very excellent book, Non Violent Communication.

1. Advising: “I think you should . . “ “How come you didn’t?”

2. Analyzing: “Well, I think it’s clear the reason this happened is . . .”

3. Arguing: “That isn’t right at all. That isn’t how it happened.” “Boy. I really disagree with you on that.”

4. Commiserating: “That’s terrible. She had no right to do that to you.”

5. Condemning: “I need to call you on your racist shit.”

6. Consoling: “It wasn’t your fault; you did the best you could.” “Everything’s going to be okay.”

7. Correcting: “That’s not how it happened.” “It’s not really that hard.”

8. Criticizing: “You know what your problem is?” “Can’t you do anything right?”

9. Diagnosing: “This is happening because you’re so passive-aggressive.”, “You know, you really have a limiting pattern of always doing _____.”, “You know what your problem is?”

10. Educating: “This could turn into a very positive experience for you if you just . . .” “Well, in my experience, it was very different.” “I have a very different relationship to that.”

11. Evaluating: “If you hadn’t been so careless.”

12. Explaining: “I would have called but . . .” “I didn’t want to do it this way, but . . .”

13. Fixing: “What will help you is to . . .”

14. Interpretations: “I think he did that because . . .”

15. Interrogating: “When did this begin? What are you feeling?”

16. Lecturing: “It’s like I always say. . .” “How many times do I have to tell you?”

17. One-Upping: “That’s nothing: wait’ll you hear what happened to me.”

18. Shutting Down: “Cheer up. Don’t worry. Don’t feel so bad.”

19. Story-telling: “That reminds me of a time . . .” “Oh! That reminds me of this Tony Robbins seminar that I went to once. Tony said . . .”

20. Sympathizing: “Oh you poor thing.”

So, if those don’t work, how do you engage with it?

To be honest, I’m not 100% sure, but here are some initial thoughts . . .

Fifteen Ideas on Dealing with the Fear of Island Z:

safety: instead of pushing harder, we want come from a place of being gentler and sweeter. We can to make sure that we are as safe a space as possible. That might mean extreme confidentiality. Making sure they can engage with us in a way that no one else ever needs to know. The more safe they feel, the more they’ll be willing to face the truth.

empathy: if they can see that we really understand what they’re secretly scared of this goes a long way. I can’t recommend reading the book Non Violent Communication enough for this. The key is that we want to give empathy first for Island A. Just for the symptoms as they experience them. And, of course, part of the symptoms they experience are the fear of Island Z.

normalize the problem: we need to help them understand that they’re not alone. The more we can build the understanding that they’re not alone the better. The more they can see this as a widespread issue that many others share the better. We need to normalize the fear. We need it to not seem like it’s a weird thing to have that fear. As Tom Compton says, ‘the resistance to the disturbance is the disturbance.’ Sometimes the feeling that they shouldn’t be having that fear is actually a bigger issue than the fear itself. If you can share your own story of how it took you forever to deal with this and how clueless you were – this goes a long way.

normalize the solution: the more you can make it feel like, ‘hey, everyone is doing this’ the more likely they will be to do it as well. This often starts with identifying your hubs and enrolling them and getting them to spread the word for you. This is the kind of thing you might want to do in partnership with other people who are helping people on the same journey (and maybe with a similar boat even). It’s like a bunch of independent retailers getting together to promote a ‘shop local’ campaign. A core principle of community based social marketing is this: make it normal to do the right thing.

realistic statistics: we need to help them understand how realistic this fear is. The fear of a plane crash or being attacked by a shark is blown profoundly out of proportion. More people die in traffic accidents than plane crashes. More people die from pop machines than sharks. Let’s just get real here.

case studies of success: this is huge. If you can show them story after story of people who were on Island A and didn’t end up on Island Z but maybe on Island C it will do more than just about anything you can imagine. You can’t have too many stories and real life examples.

story telling: when there’s a lot of shame and fear around an issue, the traditional marketing approach of writing in the ‘you’ (e.g. ‘Are YOU struggling with money?’) might be a bit too direct. It might trigger shut down and defensiveness which could kill it way before it has a chance to begin. Try telling the story of a typical client (or a micro story) or the story of what it might be like to work with you. By telling a story (often in the third person) you give it a bit of psychological distance which allows people to read it and approach the story in their own time and find themselves in it in their own way. Remember, these fears are most often unspoken. So, for someone to read their fears laid out in a story (even your own story) can be a bit mind blowing (in a good way).

realistic honesty about limits of possibility: one of the best things I ever saw in marketing was from a poster about a holistic nutrition workshop. One of the bullet points said, ‘Come and learn the possibilities and the limitations of holistic nutrition’. Wow. That was so powerful. They were willing to admit to it having limitations. That realism built more credibility than any big claim. Instantly more trustworthy. When things seem ‘too good to be true’ they’re not trustworthy. Tell them what you can help them with and what you can’t. Tell them what you think is possible and what isn’t. Be real with them and they’ll melt into openness.

address the shame: the more people can understand that it’s not entirely their fault, that their are bigger systems at play that have helped create their problem and that it’s a normal human thing to go through… the more they’ll relax and open to letting it go. The shame of not having dealt with it yet can keep people from even looking at it and having to admit how bad it is. No shame. No blame. The more your presence can reassure and say, ‘hey, it’s okay’ the more they can begin to open to a new possibility.

show them a step by step plan: few things will inspire more confidence than you showing them a step by step plan on how you’re going to get them from Island A to Island B. It moves it away from just being you saying, ‘trust me’.

educate them about your point of view: go beyond showing them the plan. Show them WHY you came up with the plan you did. Help them understand not just the route you’re suggesting but the map itself. Help them understand the tides, the winds, the hidden rocks underwater. Help them understand why you’ve made the choices they did.

build a relationship over time until they’re ready: the importance of staying in touch over time and building trust by adding value can’t be overstated. Marketing is like baseball and you can’t skip bases.

help them see a bigger context: share your why. Share the bigger cause you see it all as a part of. Help them see that by taking the journey on their own, they’re making a contribution to a much wider movement. If they can see themselves as a part of a wider movement, they’re a lot less likely to give up – they’ll feel more accountable and more bolstered by others.

community: perhaps the most important of all – can you connect them with real people? It can be done virtually or in person. But can you help to become a hub and foster a wider sense of community?

be encouraging: life is so short. Too many people die with regrets (often the same five). Sometimes some old fashioned real talk and encouraging words to live our lives fully goes a long way – especially if all of these other pieces are in place.

stop trying to change minds

By: Tad | Published: November 26, 2011 · 2 Comments

I invite you to give up trying to change people’s minds.

People can be a lot like this child – stubborn. They don’t like being pushed around. Or told they’re wrong.

This is the core challenge of marketing I think. Or a core blunder. Or something.

Trying to convince people that we are right and they are wrong.

Trying to convince them that they need to act preventatively.

Trying to convince them that their core world view is wrong.

Trying to convince them that our diagnosis is so important before they even know they have a symptom.

Trying to convince someone to buy NOW when they might rather wait for a more fortuitous timing.

And I want to suggest that . . . that’s really hard.

And it might hurt people.

The idea that we can change people’s minds is the beginning of trouble.

It’s a much better idea to create something that resonates with where people are at. Meet them where they are.

My colleague Jessica O’Reilly shared how she came to this realization with her sex workshops in this blog interview I did with her in July, 2011.

Callan Rush has some important thoughts on this which she shared in this March 2011 blog post. Here’s the relevant excerpt.

LESSON #5: Don’t just market to the 3% who are ready to buy right now.

Think of your ideal clients. The people in your niche. Your target market. Now think of all the people in your town (or wherever you want to tour your workshops) who fit into that group. There are likely a lot of them.

But here’s the bad news.

97% of your ideal clients are NOT looking for my product, program or service right now.

Here’s a piece Callan shared that was worth the whole evening. It’s a percentage break down of your target market right now. I think these percentages are really accurate pretty much across the board:

3% are actively looking for your solution. They’re googling it at 3 am. They are super, actively looking for a solution to their problems. And everyone is fighting over this 3%. Every other workshop leader is trying to reach these same people.

And so they put their marketing out to reach these people.

“Hypnosis workshop!”

“Buy our technology”

“All 2010 Model Cars Must Go! 0% Financing.”

“Non Violent Communication Workshop”

“Learn Reiki”.

And it’s not that this kind of marketing doesn’t work. It totally does. It absolutely reaches and works on that 3% of your ideal clients. But it’s ignored by everyone else. Ouch. This means your marketing might be being totally ignored by 97% of your target market.

7% are open to your product, program or service. They’ve heard about the kind of thing you do. They’re genuinely curious about it.

30% are aware for future. They know they need you or someone like you – but it’s sometime down the road. They tell themselves, “I’ll need a new car when we have kids.” But that time hasn’t come yet. Or they think, “When this crunch time at work is over I’m going to get back into yoga.” Or, “When I stop traveling I’m going to buy a house.”

30% are totally unconscious. When you meet them it’s clear that they have a problem you can help them solve – but they have NO awareness they need it. They might not even know they have a problem. It’s like someone with bad breath. You knooooow they need a tick tack but they have no idea. Or someone with anger issues who’s convinced their problem is everyone else.

They may or may not have any overt symptoms but those symptoms are likely not understood. Like, they know they have stomach pains all the time – but they don’t realize that it’s because they’re celiac. Or they notice that their romantic partner has lost interest in them but they don’t see how this loss of interest was triggered by their domineering nature and inability to communicate.

In short, they lack the proper context for their symptoms. And so often they ignore them entirely.

30% are just a ‘NO!’. They’re just closed to it. Maybe it’s because they live too far away, they’ll never be able to afford it or they’ve already hired someone else. With these people you need to just bless and release.

The Bottom Line: 67% of these people are not really being marketed to. They’re being ignored by everyone else leading workshops.

But the way you market to the 67% who are open, aware or unconscious is very, very different than the way you market to people who are totally ready to buy. It’s a bit of a slower turn around. More trust building. More being a generosity based business to start.

Simon Sinek, in his book Start With Why points out how people gravitate to businesses that resonate with them (rather than being inspired to adopt a new lifestyle that company is selling).

Apple sells a “lifestyle”, marketing professionals will tell you.

Apple didn’t invent the lifestyle, nor does it sell a lifestyle. Apple is simply one of the brands that those who live a certain lifestyle are drawn to. Those people use certain products or brands in the course of living in that lifestyle. That is, in part, how we recognize their way of life in the first place. The products they choose become proof of why they do the things they do. It is only because Apple’s why is so clear that those who believe what they believe are drawn to them. As Harley Davidson fits into the lifestyle of a certain group of people and Prada shoes fit the lifestyle of a certain group, it is the lifestyle that came first. Like the products the company produces that serve as proof of the company’s WHY, so too does a brand or product serve as proof of an individual’s WHY.

That some people are viscerally drawn to a ferrari more than a Honda Odyssey says more about the person than the engineering of the product.

Loyalists for each brand will point to various features and beenfits that matter to them or don’t matter to them in an attempt to convince the other that they are right. And that’s one of the primary reasons why so many companies feel the needs to differentiate in the first place. Based on the flawed assumption that only one group can be right. But what if both parties were right? What if an Apple was right for some people and a PC was right for others? It’s not a debate about better or worse anymore, it’s a discussion about the different needs. And before the discussion can even happen, the WHYs for each must be established first.

A simple claim of better, even with the rational evidence to back it up, can create a desire and even motivate a decision to buy, but it doesn’t create loyalty. It is the cause that is represented by the company, brand, product or person that inspires loyalty.

Seth Godin deepens this conversation is his book Tribes:

A Tribe has a Shared Worldview:

This leads to an interesting thought: you get to choose the tribe you will lead. Through your actions as a leader you attract a tribe that wants to follow you. That tribe has a worldview that matches the message you are sending.

Important clarification: Great marketers lead people, stretching the boundaries and bringing new messages to people who want to hear them. The core of my argument is that someone’s worldview, how they feel about risk or other factors, is beyond your ability to change in the short run. Sell people something they’re interesting in buying. If you can’t leverage the worldview they already have, you are essentially invisible. Which is a whole other sort of magic, one that’s not so profitable.

If you are leading a tribe focused on saving the world by fighting global warming, the tribe will of course have a worldview that includes the idea that global warming is a problem and that it includes the idea that global warming is a problem and that it can be addressed through its actions. They come to the tribe with that in mind and your leadership resonates with them.

If, on the other hand, you choose to work to persuade a different group, one with a very different worldview, they will likely reject you. Al Gore started leading his tribe when he didn’t know who they were.

He stated his message and people found him.

Ultimately, people are most easily led where they wanted to go all along. While that may seem as if it limits your originality or influence, it’s true. Fox News didn’t persuade millions of people to become conservatives, they just assembled a tribe and led them where they were already headed.

Tribes are increasingly voluntary. No one is forced to work for your firm or attend your services. People have a choice of which music to listen to and which movies to watch. So great leaders don’t try to please everyone. Great leaders don’t water down their message in order to make the tribe a bit bigger. Instead they realize that a motivated, connected tribe in the mist of a movement is far more powerful than a larger group could ever be.

As the ability to lead a tribe becomes open to more people, it’s interesting to note that those who take that opportunity (and those who succeed most often) are doing it because of what they can do for the tribe, not for what the tribe can do for them.

This is the heart of the matter: Every leader cares for and supports a movement. A movement like the free speech movement at Berkeley or the democracy movement in Tiananmen Square or the civil rights movement in Mississippi. Or maybe a movement like the obsession with hand roasted coffee in Brooklyn or the worldwide collection of people obsessed with tattoos.

Today, you can have a narrow movement, a tiny movement, a movement in a silo. Your movement can be known by ten or twenty or a thousand people, people in your community or people around the world. And most often, it can be the people you work with or for, or those who work for you.

The web connects people. That’s what it does. And movements take connected people and make change. What marketers and organizers and people who care are discovering is that they can ignite a micromovement and then be propelled by the people who choose to follow it.

The bottom line is this: don’t try to change people’s minds. Get so clear about your deeper why, the journey you help people on best and your point of view and find people who will resonate with that. Don’t try to get people to change their minds about things. Meet them where they are and begin to slowly educate. Find some real challenge they are aware of that they’re experiencing and offer them help with that. Earn the trust. Align and then redirect – don’t oppose.

Instead of trying to push harder and hype it up more – just make it clearer who you are and safer for people to approach you. Be the lighthouse, not the searchlight.

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