• Anonymous

    Awesome post, Tad!
    I stumbled on it just as I was trying to set a price on a product and agonizing because I felt that the price was too high. Even though I based it on a very careful estimation of the actual value being offered. But I was afraid of the rejection that I will experience if people don’t sign up for it because of the price.
    So yeah – a classic collapser by your definition. I was doing it because I was refusing to be a posturer because for some reason posturing really offends me. Yet I’ll forgive a posturer and I’ll completely avoid a collapser …which gives me a strong hint as to why I had so few clients. (They needed to avoid me)
    It reminds me of the hero-victim positions. Heroes can’t stand to be victims, they look down on victims …but they need them in order to feel heroic. Victims think themselves to be heroic because they have to put up with so much. they need heroes to save them all the time, and validate their victimhood. Each is avoiding being a perpetrator or having to respond to a perpetrator. Each is avoiding the fact that they themselves might be the perpetrator.
    I believe in transcendence as the answer to pretty much every role that we get ourselves stuck in – hero, victim, collapser, posturer, saviour, devil …but we have to be clear about what transcendence is. Like the victims and the heroes, the collapsers and the posturers have to be aware that, underneath, we’re all just feeling needy and expecting that we won’t get what they need except by manipulation.

    You’re a good healer, Tad! :)

    Lishui, MindTreeHealth

  • http://marketingforhippies.com Tad Hargrave

    what beautiful words lishui. “we’re all just feeling needy and expecting that we won’t get what they need except by manipulation”. bam. that nails it.

  • Trisha Savoia

    This is so great Tad!  And so very true!!!  I love how you were able to sum it up so concisely.  It really boils down to being self-aware, and having the guts to be yourself.  I love it!  Thanks.
    Trisha Savoia
    Absolute Awareness

  • Kim Tanasichuk

    Holy shit Tad, this is my favourite post that’s you’ve written.  It fits so beautifully with a very long learning and clearing out I’ve just gone through, very much related to this, as I think you know.

    How wonderful you say the third option isn’t in the middle, but above it.  Wow.  It’s interesting how at different points and with different people we can be any one of these three things. I notice I lean more to the collapse, but that’s brought out in me in certain situations.  I notice I collapse big time when I know one of my actions or words caused another person to collapse.  That causes me to feel like the ugliest, yuckiest person.  Imagine a situation with two collapsed people!

    But in other times or with other people, I don’t do this. 

    Like the money part you talked about, I’m calm and composed.  When I first became self employed I had 2 mentors.  One told me, don’t even bother charging less than $50 per hour if you want to stay in business.  That scared me at the time, as I thought I was really making money, making $18-$20/hour.  However, I built up to it, raising little by little until now I’ve way surpassed that and feel proud and empowered when I feel called to raise my rates again.  Now, when someone shuts down about their own rates (usually they are new in business), I bring the wisdom my mentor brought me, and insist on them not collapsing on their price.  I feel it also lessens both people’s empowerment, if you give in to their collapse.

    Sigh, so many thoughts come up with this.  I feel I will read your article several times, Tad…Thank you <3

  • Anonymous

    Fantastic post, Tad, and very timely for me. ’nuff said, happy holidays, and I look forward to next year’s posts. I’m glad Alex Baisley pointed you out to me.
    -ashley
    AshleyAbbott.ca

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=527691890 David Jan Jurasek

    Awesome post, Tad!

    I love the contrasting and detailed descriptions of both. I’ve found myself in both modes at times in my life…  The middle way does feel most quiet, deep, and powerful to me.

    I find your describing of composure truly brilliant and inspiring to read. I appreciate this blog so much. Thanks.

  • http://fertilegroundhomeopathy.com/ Hannah

    Beautiful. It’s interesting how we can cycle through these places depending on what’s triggering us. When things are going well I’m “above it,” when things dip I go towards collapse. It doesn’t seem to matter how many times I learn this lesson… it always comes back to kick me in the ass if I forget. Patterns run deep.

    I’ve hung signs around my house that say “yes” and “thank you” to remind me of the contribution I am to others, and of how others have given so much to me. I say “yes” to helping others, “thank you” for the support I receive. Just seeing the word “yes” brings me to a place of possibility and optimism.

    It’s so true that people are either attracted to us or not. I have clients I’ve been working with for years who, in spite of my wanting to have helped them more, stick with it. They tell me they feel a connection so comfortable they can be themselves, not judged. Interestingly those are also the people with whom I feel most comfortable sharing. If there is one resolution I’m making for 2012 it’s to focus on saying “yes” to life.

  • Anonymous

    Fantastic, Tad. I love how you capture collapse, posturing and composure so completely. 

    The only thing I might add is that people aren’t these states, they live in them. I’m sure Oprah ends up collapsed (I’ve seen her reactive). I’m sure even the Dalai Lama ends up collapsed or posturing, but I’m also sure he probably figures it out and returns to composure within a few moments. :) The trick isn’t to be composed, the trick is to recognize when we, each of us, inevitably leave composure and then to return, over and over again, hopefully more and more quickly.

    Really impressed with this, brother. Grateful you put it out there. And thank you for the mention- totally surprised to see it there.

  • Mstillman

    this is an excellent post with very refined insight. I love how you invoked wholeness. This is a critical part that is often missed by those who pitch their service…they may make you good (or not) but they don’t address moving you towards wholeness.

    I would add one detail about composure though. Composure isn’t non-reactive it responds deeply after being touched by the events at hand. The composed are touchable and therefore they are touching.

  • http://marketingforhippies.com Tad Hargrave

    mark. i love your point. i think that’s so true.

  • http://marketingforhippies.com Tad Hargrave

    yes. i agree. that’s a beautiful framing on that. when we’re collapsed or posturing we react precisely because we don’t let ourselves be touched.

  • Jami

    Hi Tad, being a soloprenuer and permaculture designer (pdc in 2006) I really enjoyed this article. As I read this I found that I was reflective of my own life journey, my failures, my successes. My most recent success was not directly business at all, but in directing others and lobbying to change the local chicken ordinance this past week. Sounds small, but is really quite a big deal here and in other cities politically.

    As I many times had in the previous months, I stood at the podium addressing city council members. This time I diverged from my usual fact based stance allowed myself to get carried into emotion marrying it with facts, joining the larger view with that in our own back yards and dinner tables. Connecting our local actions to that of ag businesses “too big to fail.” I asked how can we be ok with feeding our preschoolers chicken nuggets filled with hormones and antibiotics yet not allow butchering chickens for the home; how can we be ok with sending local dollars to corporations that pollute our environment just because we have the need to displace our fear of death? Why do we have a fear of local agricultural micro-businesses?

    After the meeting and in various emails from people involved and who had watched the proceedings on local tv, I have gotten thanks and encouragement of how I handled the situation from those involved politically and those pro chicken folks I kept informed. The feeling of speaking from the heart and mind simultaneously felt unusual and was powerful for those involved… not just me. I could see it in their faces. I wanted to give option on how we could save our planet, our children, that my concerns were universal and so were possible solutions.

    I keep thinking authenticity and relationship with others, yet perhaps it is also integrating the analytical with the heart. The male and the female. As Mencius refers to it, living from the Heartmind.

    jami
    My Edible Eden

  • Suzanne Falter-Barns

    I absolutely adore this Tad! You dug into this topic and really nailed it … and as a former posturer AND collapser (I’m bi?) I just so enjoyed this. Anyway … off to therapy! ;-)

  • http://marketingforhippies.com Tad Hargrave

    you’re one of the most beautifully composed people i know. and you can take that anyway you want it. you’re also hilarious.

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  • http://www.owenmarcus.com Owen Marcus

    Tad what you said is right on. We learned at an early age to survive by puffing up or collapsing down. No one modeled or taught us to be present, able to recover when we do lose our center.

    Many years ago I taught Rolfers how to develop their practices. The most difficult part of the course was getting over the collapse.

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  • http://www.facebook.com/knight.cimarron Cimarron Knight

    I just received your link through Rebecca Coleman. Thank you for this posting- lots to ponder. Best- Cimarron.

  • http://www.thewordchef.com/ Tea Silvestre, aka Word Chef

    Hear, hear! It’s about time we had this conversation, Tad. Thanks for getting the conversation started.

  • Filipa Figueiredo Neves

    Hello Tad, you put these 3 ways of being in a very interesting way. :)

    I believe the first step to change is becoming aware and this made me more aware so thank you for that.

    Like you said we all have moments where we are more one and more another. I would like to say also that, in my opinion, all of these states have qualities that we can use. For example the posture states seems more energetic and the colapsed one more introspective. Compose feels like a balnace between these two states :)

    Thank you again for keeping it human, real and genuine.

    Filipa

  • TinaDexler

    The same applies of what therapists are accepting as payment from employers. Many undervalue themselves by accepting just $15 per massage given. Sad.

  • Star Speakman

    Tad, I am just about to embark on a second income stream and I want you to know that I will be looking for buzz words such as ‘posturing’ (found it 3rd page of the ‘successful case studies’ booklet they sent with my starter pack) and then coming to look it up on your page, just in case you have already posted a remedy. Have been following you for some time trying to persuade my day job boss to do the same – hence the second income stream – which will be my parachute out of there into an abundant retirement! Blessings Elaine

  • Jonathan Dupré

    Amazing post.

    Thanks, man.

  • Adam Taylor

    Tad, thank you.

    “Humans…fun to play with, but you wouldn’t want to be one”

  • http://natemaingard.com/ Nate Maingard

    Incredible, literally yesterday someone was telling me about a friend who runs a company called marketing for hippies, in NYC. Today, completely ‘at random’, through a different channel entirely, I find this site. Amazing article, I so resonate and have realised how much I have moved more into composure but am still acting out and trapped in a lot of posturing (coming from being a highly skilled collapser). Thanks for this Tad, wow!

  • http://marketingforhippies.com Tad Hargrave

    i love it! so happy you liked the article too :-)

  • http://natemaingard.com/ Nate Maingard

    big time! Thanks again :)

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